...JOURNEY OF PURPOSE...

Shut out

2011-06-09T01:20:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry. I'm just very tired and because of that, I tend to shut some things out that are not to my liking. I'd rather keep quiet than burst out in unnecessary anger... It's a bit irresponsible, but let's just say that's the best I can do now...

Istighfar

2011-06-07T00:53:00.001+08:00

There seems to be much fear, gloom and worry shrouding my heart at this moment, astaghfirullah astaghfirulla astaghfirullah al-azim...

Different frequency?

2011-06-07T00:03:00.003+08:00

For some reason when I can understand, people can't... And when people understand, I can't! What in the world is wrong with my level of understanding?? Lol, different frequency? Mine's probably that of Mars or Venus or whattt...

Anyway, I'm sad today... I'd been frequently late these past few weeks, and I don't want to be... :((( Yet I can't seem to be on time at all.

Gonna bash through the jungles again tmr and wed.

Still so many things to do, yet so little time!

Seeing so many of my friends at Aku & Dia 3 make me wish I was there too. It seemed like a powerful spiritual booster! When I was there for A&D2, I seemed not to know anyone and now that so many whom I know are there, I couldn't be there...

InsyaAllah ada hikmahnya...

Allah

2011-06-03T15:33:00.001+08:00

Ketika Akhawat Jatuh Cinta

2011-06-03T15:24:00.003+08:00

Astaghfirullah al-azim, semoga Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa kami dan menyucikan jiwa kami. MasyaAllah indah peringatan dalam artikel ini:

Yang mereka rasakan adalah penyesalan yang amat sangat, atas sebuah hijab yang tersingkap...
Ketika lelaki yang tak halal baginya, bergelayut dalam alam fikirannya, yang mereka rasakan adalah ketakutan yang begitu besar akan cinta yang tak suci lagi...

Ketika rasa rindu mulai merekah di hatinya, yang mereka rasakan adalah kesedihan yang tak terperih akan sbuah asa yang tak semestinya…

Tak ada senyum bahagia, tak ada rona malu…
Yang ada adalah malam-malam yang dipenuhi air mata penyesalan atas cinta-Nya yang ternodai…

Yang ada adalah kegelisahan, karena rasa yang salah arah…
Yang ada adalah penderitaan akan hati yang mulai sakit…

Ketika Akhwat Jatuh Cinta…

Bukan harapan untuk bertemu yang mereka nantikan, tapi yang ada adalah rasa ingin menghindar dan menjauh dari orang tersebut…

Tak ada kata-kata cinta dan rayuan…

Yang ada adalah kekhawatiran yang amat sangat, akan hati yang mulai merindukan lelaki yang belum halal atau bahkan tak akan pernah halal baginya…

Ketika mereka jatuh cinta, maka perhatikanlah, kegelisahan di hatinya yang tak mampu lagi memberikan ketenangan di wajahnya yang dulu teduh…

Mereka akan terus berusaha mematikan rasa itu bagaimanapun caranya…
Bahkan kendati dia harus menghilang, maka itu pun akan mereka lakukan...

Alangka kasihannya jika akhwat jatuh cinta…
Karena yang ada adalah penderitaan…

Tapi ukhti…
Bersabarlah…
Jadikan ini ujian dari Rabbmu…

Matikan rasa itu secepatnya…
Pasang tembok pembatas antara kau dan dia…
Pasang duri dalam hatimu, agar rasa itu tak tumbuh bersemai…
Cuci dengan air mata penyesalan akan hijab yang sempat tersingkap...

Putar balik kemudi hatimu, agar rasa itu tetap terarah hanya padaNya…
Pupuskan rasa rindu padanya dan kembalikan dalam hatimu rasa rindu akan cinta Rabbmu…

Ukhti… Jangan khawatir kau akan kehilangan cintanya…

Karena bila memang kalian ditakdirkan bersama, maka tak akan ada yang dapat mencegah kalian bersatu…

Tapi ketahuilah, bagaimana pun usaha kalian untuk bersatu, jika Allah tak menghendakinya, maka tak akan pernah kalian bersatu…

Ukhti… Bersabarlah… Biarkan Allah yang mengaturnya...
Maka yakinlah... Semuanya akan baik-baik saja…

Semua Akan Indah Pada Waktunya…

Dipetik dari http://srikandiislamiyyah.blogspot.com/2010/12/ketika-akhwat-jatuh-cinta.html

Headlines

2011-06-03T11:38:00.002+08:00

Allah Allah.

Hmm, there seems to be alot of things going on and alot of things to do! Such that I'm scared just to make a to-do list, scared that it'd be too overwhelming for me to take, opps!

Amanah. Responsibility.

A challenge to carry out. Sometimes you simply have too many on your plate already that it is time to say NO. I have been saying NOs and I still have many on my plate. How did I survive before?? Haha, good question.

Time management.

Well, maybe I managed my time better before. Maybe also I simply ignored my health before and keep pushing on. And... well, let's not deny it, I'm getting older *gasp* and energy is just not the same anymore. I try to keep my days filled with only 1 thing at a time. Quite hard to prioritise some over others but I simply don't have the energy to run around to 3 or more places in a day.

License.

Well, now that I have a license, it should be easier to move around and cover more distance right? Wrong. I just passed and it'd take months before that license can truly come to good use. (InsyaAllah it WILL) Passing was just the beginning :)

Things I NEED and things I WANT.

I don't mean 'things' in the literal sense. But rather goals and dreams. Things in the literal sense, alhamdulilah I'd been able to control hehe, like I still want an iTouch and yet I still have yet to find enough reason to own one hehe. In this such hi-tech era, before long i WOULD find a strong enough reason.

Goals & dreams.

Anyway, I was referring to goals and dreams. I've been wanting to be involved in a research project before I decide whether to do FYP at NIE or not, and finally I'm in one now! And gosh, I totally didn't foresee having to bash through jungles and hugging trees and digging soil along with the prospect of having to come face to face with a snake, yikes. So far no sightings yet, but sheesh we were amongst the mess at Bukit Batok Park when this auntie shouted out to us saying, "Be careful! After a rain there's normally many cobras!" and with that I lunged to grab my friend's bag infront of me hahah! It was pretty funny actually, I saw her pen dropped, and I motioned to bend down ti pick it up but thinking of seeing any snakes I immediately straightened up back lol.

I want my As next sem. I really do. And I mean no Cs and Ds alongside it to offset the gpa -_- Frustrating okeh to see your gpa getting offset when it should be UP UP UP! Need to work harder...

At this age, I still have many goals and dreams unfulfilled. Really salute those who're on their way of achieving each and every one of them!

WORK WORK WORK.

Alrighty then, gotta get back to (unpaid) 'work'. Gotta get some things done before lunch and zohor and off I go to Vigilante Drive next! So much for wanting to drop by ghufran today, ooooopppps!

What's next?

2011-05-31T01:11:00.000+08:00

For some reason, I find it really hard to sleep today. Alot of things on my mind and how I wish to continue working non-stop till all are done, yet I know I MUST sleep and rest my mind and body.

Alhamdulillah, results are out and I guess they're satisfactory. I hope I can raise my GPA next sem to at least a Second Lower Class honours, all the better if I can get Second Upper Class but let's take it one sem at a time ok?

And I'm loving my madrasah results! Can't wait to grad and have the final transcript in my hands at the end of this year! Then, I'd have my weekends to fill with other things I've been wanting to do.

I have to pull my hat off to people who have goals and work hard towards accomplishing them. My goals waver and sometimes disappear. Yet, there are some goals that have been on my list and are still yet to be accomplished. Alhamdullillah, there're also a few that I've successfully accomplished.

Finally, after years I passed my driving test on my first try on 12 April with only 4 points. Right now, I want to be able to drive, and park, and fill in with petrol on my own. Let's not rush things and give me some time aye? Earliest probably before I start Year 3 in August and latest maybe by the end of this year? I think my dad meant well, but by asking me to get on the expressway as soon as I pass was daunting and kinda scared the wits out of me. Lemme stay within the neighbourhood first aye? Haha

I will be having 7 modules next sem. As much as I want to take Mandarin at NTU, I would have to travel all the way to HSS school which is like all the way across NTU compund from NIE... And the process to take a NTU elective is already so troublesome that it turns me off. On the other hand, I have no interest in any NIE elective modules... :( Hmm, I don't even know if I should take an elective this coming sem or the next...

I'm still exploring my options on what should I do when I graduate from DPIA. I've already requested to teach @live at Ghufran (and even if I can't get one at Ghufran, I can always request to teach at Istiqamah, just that it is abit far and travelling takes up time and costs $$$). But I still wanna learn as well. I'm considering either a part-time Arabic or Al-Qur'an course at Zuhri or take Arabic at Al-Markaz like Harizah and a couple of other friends who've been recommending the institute. Syafiqah also suggested taking A Levels in Islamic Knowledge. Hmmmmmmmmm....

I'm feeling motivated and spoilt for choice right now, all the more making me more awake.

I need to sleep! Alright, I shall go close my eyes and wait till sleep invites...

Afraid to try

2011-05-15T06:20:00.001+08:00

I have not given in because I have not tried... But I'm afraid to try, because trying means I may lose something precious forever...

Ku Menunggu

2011-05-11T22:55:00.001+08:00

Terlalu Cinta

2011-05-11T21:38:00.001+08:00

B-b-bloggg

2011-05-09T21:16:00.002+08:00

It's more than two weeks of holidays after exams and I've filled my time with exciting activities :) Really refreshing indeed...

I miss blogging, but each time I want to blog, there's always something better I ought to be doing, even now haha. I've got some programme materials to prepare by tmr morning. And some reading to do as well.

Hmm what should I start with...

On the way home from kembangan this evening, I encountered an Indian boy of about 5 years old who boarded the double-decker bus I was in. He was with his father. Initially the father sat somewhere towards the back of the bus at the long seats facing each other and pulled the son to sit with him. The boy refused and started to cry. It's the ngada-ngada merengek kinda cry. I can't understand a single word he was saying until his dad repeats whatever the son said to him. It turns out that the boy wanted to sit right at the back of the bus, and when he didn't get his way, he cried. Not long after, the father gave in and brought him to sit at the back of the bus followed by a gentle, "Happy?" Unfortunately, this boy is really hard to please. he was still crying, complaining why is the bus so fast and why must they alight only 3 stops later. For goodness sake, I was silently eating my heart out hoping the bus would please go faster so I can get to my destination faster and wondering if I should have taken an alternative route, and here this boy is saying the bus is going too fast??!! The father was consoling him that they'll meet the mother faster and the mother has bought something special for him. There's this one time the boy complains to the father, "Why is the bus going so fast??" and to my surprise, the father answered, "Because we're sitting at the back of the bus, that's why it seems like the bus is going fast." I was torn on whether I should laugh or smack my head. What kind of logic is that?? Is this what parents are teaching their kids when they're young?? I pity my fellow teachers who'll have some hard time debunking myths like this.

I really can't stand kids who're very pampered, wants everything their way, cry or scream the moment they don't get what they want, too dependent, who scream and shout and run around everywhere. In short terms: misbehaved. I can accept kids for being kids, that's only natural but misbehaviour really sits on my nerves, that's why I can't teach primary school. At least I believe so. I enjoyed it when I had to relief Tweens 4 and Tweens 3, maybe I just had the privilege of getting the better-behaved students. Of course there are a few very mischievous ones and they really test my patience, especially this one class who was generally made up of rebellious kids, truly cekik darah....

Anyway, enough of that. Since I started NIE and found out that my lecturers are researchers, I have always wanted to be involved in a project and after approaching a few teachers. My dream finally came true! I was from a meeting just now with my lecturer and 4 other students. I just feel so happy and can't wait to feel at home in a lab again. Eventhough I'm still abit clueless about the project. I hope I'll get the hang of it along the way. My lecturer is kind enough to let me be part of the project, and he even obliged to what I like to do and will let me do carry out the experiments that are to my liking hehe. He passed me one of the dissertations of a past masters student to read the protocol. Holding it my hands, I wish one day i would carry a similar document, but bearing my name on it instead. InsyaAllah. If I get to masters, I would like to apply to teach at poly level :) and hopefully i would get to handle some of my own projects then! :)))

Dreams will be dreams if you don't work to make it happen. I'm in a rather hardworking mode now. Seeking spiritual boosters :) I just bought a couple od religious books at JB yesterday and can't wait to pore into them :)

URGHHHHHH

2011-03-14T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'm so frustratingly irritated!!!

School kills creativity

2011-01-25T21:20:00.004+08:00

The animation is cool, and the message is awesome. Though, what can I do upon hearing such a message, I'm not sure...

Trials for a Muslim

2011-01-24T16:53:00.002+08:00

Came across this and I like :)

Allah's Apostle said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials." [Narrated by Abu Hurairah, Sahih Bukhari]

What if Allah has been blessing a person with so many good, alhamdulillah for that ...but should one fear and ask why he/she is not inflicted with trials?

There was an alim' who fell on his knees and ask Allah, "Why I've not been afflicted to any trials for a period of time", "Ya Allah, im begging you to put me on trial".. Masya Allah.

We have to know that every single breathing day, we're ...put on a daily test which tests us on 2 things :
Sabr (patience) and Syukr (gratefulness)

May Allah swt bestow us all strength to face His trials. And may we smile, when we're facing it. Insya Allah.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Allah uji, tandanya Allah sayang.

Ini adalah antara ungkapan terfamous yang biasa kita dengar dari mulut ke mulut orang yang memberi nasihat kepada mereka yang mendapat musibah.

Saya pernah terfikir, kalau Allah tak uji, maknanya Allah tak sayang ke?

Sejak akhir-akhir ni, apa sahaja yang saya nak, Allah bagi. Apa sahaja yang saya minta dalam doa, Allah makbulkan. Alhamdulillah sangat-sangat.

Sampaikan pada satu tahap, saya rasa, kenapa Allah tak uji saya seperti mana Dia menguji rakan-rakan yang lain?

Saya terus menerus mencari dan mencari, bilakah masanya Allah menguji saya?

Uji dengan kesenangan?

Ya, saya faham.

Tapi, saya pernah terdengar, orang mempersoalkan, kenapakah orang kafir yang selalu berbuat dosa dengan Allah, sering dapat apa yang mereka inginkan tapi kita, orang-orang Islam yang patuh dan taat kepada Allah, sering mendapat ujian dariNya?

Ada yang menjawab kerana Allah nak mereka terus menerus hanyut dalam kefasikan dan kekafiran mereka. Sebab itulah Allah sering memberi kesenangan kepada mereka.

Bagi yang Allah sayang, Allah akan uji mereka agar mereka sentiasa beringat dan berdoa kepadaNya.

Bagaimana dengan saya yang Allah sentiasa senangkan urusan saya? Adakah seperti mereka, orang-orang yang fasik dan kafir itu?

Diri ini terus menerus mencari jawapan dan malam ini, akhirnya saya ketemu juga. Ujian yang Allah nak turunkan kepada saya.

Rupa-rupanya Allah hold dulu ujian ni dan Allah turunkan ujian ni dalam bentuk dan cara yang agak berbeza.

Pada mulanya, agak sukar untuk saya terima. Saya memberontak. Saya menangis.

Tapi Syifa, nanti dulu!

Bukankah bila Allah uji, tandanya Allah sayang?

Bukankah selama ini, Allah beri sahaja apa yang saya minta?

Teringat dialog Nabi Ayyub dengan isterinya:

"Sudah berapa lamakah Allah berikan kesenangan kepada kita?"

"80 tahun."

"Dan sudah berapa lamakah Allah uji kita dengan derita?"

"7 tahun."

Selama 2 tahun sebelum, saya tiada masalah ini. Allah uji kawan-kawan yang lain tapi tidak saya.

Sekarang, tiba pula giliran saya untuk Allah uji kekuatan iman sendiri.

Sesungguhnya Allah akan uji kita dengan sesuatu yang bisa untuk kita handle, insyaAllah.

Bila saya fikir-fikir kembali, kalau saya pilih untuk ini, ada benda yang perlu dikorbankan tapi dari sudut yang lain, ada juga benda yang boleh saya settlekan.

InsyaAllah, jika ini yang terbaik untuk saya, saya redho. Jika ini adalah salah satu cara untuk saya raih redhoNya, saya rela.

Dan kerana Tuhanmu, bersabarlah...

'Ikhlaskan diri hanya untuk Illahi, bersungguh-sungguh demi Islam ini.'

From http://syifa-zainalazhar.blogspot.com/2010/07/allah-uji-allah-sayang.html

Ya Allah, help me

2011-01-18T20:42:00.002+08:00

I'd been holding it in. I didn't wanna shed a tear. But...

Keep telling myself that this is a test, la tahzan, that there's a reason Allah has ordained things to turn out this way. Probably Allah is testing me if I am amongst the grateful. Probably Allah knows I can take it and this test will just make me stronger.

Yet it is still demoralising. It's like I wanna talk to somebody but I dunno how to handle it. Mahmudah called me right after I broke the news. I was still ok then, still trying to hold things together. And I was smsing Pie also about it. But in a sense I'm not looking for comfort. I just want to get it over with.

I guess the U in D.U.I.T. is not enough... I guess I need to work harder.

And right now I need twice the effort to keep myself strong and going on. Ya Allah, help me.

More on Pesantren Kilat 2010

2011-01-07T01:06:00.004+08:00

This was what I shared with some friends about pesantren, and I'd like to document it here...

Pesantren kilat was organised by MHDS (psst,it stands for Moral Human Development Society, check out http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php?bcode=Q1rU5&fcode=6739486a4&f=1164340433#!/pages/MHDS-Youths/116578921718982 and http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php?bcode=Q1rU5&fcode=6739486a4&f=1164340433#!/pages/Moral-Human-Development-Society/137609558611 ). This year is the second time running. Last year I was a participant, this year jadi faci pulak. Alhamdulillah for the opportunity...

Oh, yup the pesantren is one week long, from Sat 18th 2pm till Sat 25th 9pm. Like last year, it was held at Masjid Pertempatan Melayu Sembawang, a great secluded place in Singapore that cuts you off from reality throughout the camp to truly mengabdikan diri kepada Allah swt dan menanam cinta pada Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw melalui ibadah-ibadah harian. Pesantren Kilat ni juga mengajar kita untuk mnghormati dan menghargai guru kita, ibubapa kita dan kawan-kawan kita...

The pesantren memang tak banyak games like we have at Fityan camps. Rather the daily schedule works around the ibadah-ibadah wajib dan sunnah. So, daily, it goes something like this:
0400-0430: Wake-up call and wash-up (siapa yang dah ready kumpul di msjid berselawat beramai-ramai sambil menunggu imam)
0430-0530: Solat Sunat Tahajjud 2 rakaat, Taubat 2 rakaat and Witr 3 rakaat semua berjemaah diselang-seli dengan zikir munajat mengikut buku ‘Excellence and Secrets of the Night Vigil Volume 1 Syarah Ratib Alhadad Chapter 27 Imam Alwee bin Ahmad bin Hassan Alhadad’ dipimpin oleh Ustaz Hassan Saifoulridzal atau Bro Asyraf Hasni jikalau Ustaz tak sihat.
0530-0600: Solat Sunat Qabliyah Subuh, zikir and Solat Subuh berjemaah (lepas Subuh bersalaman sambil selawat)
0600-0630: Bacaan Wirdu Latif mengikut buku (sry tak ingat title, buku pada kawan saya)
0630-0700: Tazkirah pendek oleh Ustaz
0700-0800: Riadah ringan, stretchings, cheer atau bonding sessions (kalau hujan buat indoors)
0800-0830: Sarapan pagi
0830-1030: Free and easy (mandi, rehat atau faci time)
1030-1100: Solat Sunat Dhuha 8 rakaat (berjemaah for the first few days, kemudiannya dilakukan sendiri-sendiri)
1100-1200: Hafalan (in groups, semua orang kena hafal dari Surah At-Takatsur sampai Surah An-Nas dan doa-doa harian, kemudian tasmi’ dengan faci. Bagi yang tak kenal huruf, ada group tersendiri untuk belajar kenal huruf)
1200-1300: Makan tengahari (time makan semua berdulang. makan disediakan dan dihidang oleh unit muslimin and muslimah MHDS tapi anak-anak pesantren cuci dulang dan cawan sendiri, dan kemas kawasan makan sendiri)
1300-1330: Solat Zohor berjemaah diiringi Solat Sunat Qabliyah & Ba’adiyah
1330-1445: Ta’alim Fiqh (belajar basic solat and wudhu’) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku (title buku dalam bahasa arab, buku diterjemahkan kepada bahasa Melayu oleh Ustazah Sha’abana from MHDS youth)
1445-1500: Rehat
1500-1615: Ta’alim Tauhid (belajar basic apa erti tauhid dan mengenal Allah serta sifat-sifat Allah) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku ‘Pelajaran Tauhid’ oleh Syed Abdillah Ahmad Aljufri
1615-1645: Solat Sunat Qabliyah Asar, zikir and Solat Asar berjemaah (lepas Asar bersalaman sambil selawat)
1645-1800: Riadah petang di luar masjid (basically time for games led by youths, jog to the beach and have activities at the beach, main Amazing Race, ada cheer competition etc)
1800-1830: Wash-up or rehat
1830-1900: Bacaan Wirdu Latif mengikut buku
1900-1930: Solat Maghrib dan Solat Sunat Ba’adiyah
1930-2015: Ta’alim Tasawwuf (belajar pesan-pesan daripada Imam Al-Ghazali) oleh Ustaz Hassan mengikut buku ‘Duhai Anakku’ (saya tak dapat buku dia)
2015-2045: Solat Isya’ berjemaah diiringi Solat Sunat Qabliyah & Ba’adiyah
2045-2130: Bacaan Ratib atau ada Qaseedah atau majlis Maulid atau mass usrah
2130-2200: Makan malam
2200-2245: Supper, Wash-up and lights-out at 2245

At all times there will be snacks and drinks prepared. Anytime perlu tunggu, masjid dipenuhkan dengan selawat dan zikir. Bila masa yang diizinkan, Ustaz Hassan akan memberikan nasihat-nasihatnya. And the groups are gender-based, 9-12 per group. Even masa ada mass activity, boys group tak mix dengan girls group. Nama group masing-masing adalah sahabat-sahabat, isteri-isteri atau anak-anak Nabi dan cheer pon based on ciri-ciri mereka jadi balik dorang kenal orang-orang ni.

Takde night walk, takde high elements, takde sesi muhasabah khas... Tapi each time kita selawat atau zikir atau berqaseedah, boleh berlinangan air mata bertaubat kepada Allah, memohon Allah menyatukan kita di syurga kelak, mendamba cinta Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw dan meminta agar mendapat syafaat oleh Rasulullah saw di akhirat kelak. This happens even for those participants yang pada mulanya memberontak apa ni boring je pesantren takde activity, tak boleh buat ni tak boleh buat tu, tapi pada penghujung pesantren taknak balik, rindukan selawat, rindukan Qaseedah, takut berpisah sahaja dengan Ustaz dan kawan-kawan di pesantren akan kembali ke diri yang dulu. Some of the participants are from broken homes, yang seriously parents hantar untuk berubah. Memang mencabar bagi Ustaz, bagi exco dan facis but Alhamdulillah Allah membuka hati mereka dan memberi mereka hidayah. I have one participant yang kat luar memang wild, merokok, minum arak padahal baru 14 tahun tapi hujung pesantren sambil peluk cakap taknak balik.

Ade sunnah-sunnah lain yang diajarkan seperti bersiwak, menjawab azan, berselawat atas Nabi bila mendengar namanya disebut, memakai jubah putih dan songkok/sarban (bagi lelaki) setiap masa solat dan ta’alim.

On Thursday afternoon takde ta’alim, instead ada majlis ijazah sarban sebagai tanda dah graduate dari pesantren. Ustaz pakaikan sarban pada setiap anak lelaki pesantren. Kemudian Ustaz ada majlis ijazah sanad untuk semua orang, semua form chain dan Ustaz read out sanad Ustaz belajar agama, dan dengan ijazah sanad ini, bila kita ucapkan ‘saya terima’, itu tanda kita terima untuk melaksanakan perintah-perintah Allah dan mengamalkan sunnah-sunnah Rasulullah saw.
So on Friday and Saturday, basically free and easy, takde ta’alim, except exco make use of the time for participants to rehearse persembahan lagu Aeman Ibu dan Ayah and lagu Inteam Guruku for last day.

On Saturday, tengahari start prize presentation, lepas tu ada persembahan lagu, kemudian mauled lepas Asar and lepas Maghrib ada ceramah ibu bapa oleh Ustaz TM Fouzy. Selesai sahaja, kita bersalaman, bergambar dan bersurai....

Yang dapat kita ambil pengajaran dari pesantren ni mungkin dari segi mengkhaskan masjid sebagai tempat beribadah dan mengadakan activity di luar masjid instead, and untuk mengisi waiting time dengan selawat dan zikir daripada cheering atau energizers dan sebagainya. Qiyam diberi keutamaan daripada night walk dan sebagainya, kerana qiyam lebih efektif bagi kita bermuhasabah diri, lebih-lebih lagi bila solat-solat sunat itu diselang-seli dengan zikir munajat (screen menunjukkan maknanya sekali supaya zikir itu dapat dihayati). Solat tepat pada waktunya juga diberi keutamaan untuk menanamkan discipline. Basically we teach that we work our schedules and activities around our solat timings rather than the other way around through our programmes. Cara Fityan of course lain daripada cara MHDS. But one thing I learn is, we shouldn’t do programmes to please our participants, sekalipun participants kita rasa terpaksa dan memberontak kerana terpaksa menghadiri camp kita, tapi kalau kita tunjukkan padanya kenapa dia perlu hadiri (give them a reason) insyaAllah they’ll benefit from the camp... Tapi tulah 7 days can do wonders, but 2-3 days hardly does anything. It took the participants yang degil-degil until Thursday baru nampak perubahan...

Itu sahaja saya dapat kongsi. Nak tengok gambar-gambar, video dan sebagainya bolehlah tengok kat facebook. This pesantren is the most meaningful camp I’ve facilitated, and bila lihat participants menangis bila menyebut nama Allah swt dan Rasulullah saw, boleh turut menangis jugak. Mungkin kalau ade peluang, next year nye pesantren kita ajak adik-adik kita dan rakan-rakan kita untuk turut sertai semoga menjadi insan yang berakhlak yang mengutamakan cinta kepada Allah swt dan Rasulullah swt dan menghargai ibubapa mereka.

Pulang dari pesantren kilat

2010-12-30T13:57:00.003+08:00

Ya Allah, rasa jiwa kosong semacam... Rindu dengan suasana pesantren. Rindu dengan teman-teman di pesantren. Rindu dengan kasih sayang Ustaz. Rindu dengan berselawat, berzikir, berwirid ramai-ramai. Bila baca sorang-sorang kat rumah rasa sunyi gitu. Tengok video atau dengar voice recording rasa macam anak panah menusuk kalbu sebab rindu sangat.

Bila di pesantren tu, walaupun ada stress tersendiri tak cukup tidur, kena handle participants dan sebagainya tapi terasa tenang. Walau di belakang saya ada teman yang 'diganggu', sebab di hadapan saya teman-teman lain sedang berzikir atau berselawat, saya rasa tenang dan aman.

Bagi saya, kehidupan pesantren lah yang saya tercari-cari. Untuk menguzlahkan diri buat sementara waktu untuk mencari ketenangan jiwa dalam mengabdikan diri pada Allah dan memupuk cinta kepada Rasulullah saw... Sayang, pesantren kilat ini cuma seminggu dan sememangnya seminggu sahajalah yang saya mampu ketepikan.

Sukar bagi saya untuk pulang ke 'alam nyata'. Rasa seperti terlalu banyak masalah perlu dileraikan, dan semuanya sepertinya berjalan begitu laju meninggalkan saya di belakang. Keluar sahaja dari pesantren tiba-tiba masalah keluarga, masalah kawan-kawan, masalah organisasi, masalah sekolah semuanya menghentam bertubi-tubi sepertinya benteng yang mengepong diri dicerobohi.

Pada saat yang sama, saya sedar inilah realiti dan saya perlu berdepan dengannya dan sesuaikan diri... Akan mengambil masa sedikit, tapi insyaAllah boleh...

Gratefulness

2010-12-14T01:52:00.002+08:00

Exams are over; and after watching Sunkyunwan on KBS, chatting with Harizah, playing chess (which I lost 3 times in a row, and gonna lose more if I don't resign from the game) and reading abit of Harry Potter, I realise one thing as I start reading my notes for this Sunday's madrasah exam on Sejarah Pendidikan Islam (History of Islamic Education... Sounds chim eh? Macam History of Magic in HP :P) that is: I am very lucky and should be very grateful that I'm living in Singapore. I have such a thing as education (irregardless of the 1001 comments about the education system in Singapore) and even as my exams end, I am able to bathe myself in such luxury as watching tv, reading books and playing online games... How many people my age out there afford such luxury? For all my incompetency of getting into NTU, I'm so-called under MOE scholarship in NIE for a degree and that should count as something to be very grateful for... Alhamdulillah... Imagine if I were in some other parts of the world where I would probably have to work to support my family, or I'd be married with dunno how many kids to care for, or live in a fear-stricken environment as war rages... For all the little things that I complain about, I should very much be grateful for everything else...

What Chess teaches me

2010-12-11T23:41:00.002+08:00

Chess teaches me that no matter what you face (like getting your 'men' killed) you have to keep striving forward towards your goal, and never to let go of that goal. If your goal is to gain Allah's pleasure, then don't stray from it. What other things you do (like trying to keep your own King alive or trying to get your soldier to become a Queen or trapping the opponent's Queen) should be for your one and only ONE sole goal (which is to trap the opponent's King in chess).

It also teaches me that you need to strategise well and each move must be significant. All must be in line with your ONE MAIN goal. So in life, whether you are studying/working, or having lunch with a friend, or spending time with your family, or buy new clothes etc should be aimed towards your ONE MAIN goal, we should set the right niat, may we be amongst the successful in life and the hereafter.

Each move you make, make sure you scan your environment first. Make a well calculated move. Because once you make a mistake, it may cause your direct downfall. In life, always think of the consequences of your actions. Be accountable towards your choices. Make the right choice so that you may not regret it in future. Whatever choice you make, make it for your ONE MAIN goal.

Sometimes you need to sacrifice the little things (like your soldiers) to ensure the bigger ones don't get sacrificed (like your horse or castle or pawn or worst your Queen or King). It is so in life too. Remember your goal and don't stray from it.

This serves as a major reminder to myself first, for here I am blogging after playing chess when I should be studying *opps!* :)

Hadith 40

2010-12-11T07:40:00.001+08:00

1 down, 3 to go

2010-12-08T17:33:00.002+08:00

One paper down. I just hope I don't fail it. *cries* Please don't let me fail it ya Allah. I'll be happy with a pass.

Three more papers to go. Must.keep.going.

I'll be staying over at Liyana's hall tonight. 9am paper tmr.

I'm so sleepy right now, but I've yet to finish studying for tmr.

Can't wait for all the papers to end next Mon. Then I'm gonna have icecream at Swensen.

Please don't let me fail any papers ya Allah....

I can't sleep :(

2010-12-07T01:34:00.002+08:00

I feel restless. Not physically, but somewhat internally.

I know I should be studying (no sense of urgency at all!) yet I know I should be sleeping, yet I end up studying a bit and finding something to satisfy this restlessness.

I think I'm just hungry.

My diet was disturbed. Not diet as in slimming diet or what eh! I just can't be bothered with that kind of diet eh Marli. I mean eating erm... cycle? habit?

Had a heavy seafood at East Coast yesterday night with family. Was so tired that I slept in all the way till nearly 3pm and only got my brunch at 5pm. Nasi briyani! Ate alone at Food Culture by the way, but who cares. When I reached home, jamah abit of the Nasi ayam penyet at about 9pm and yea I think I'm hungry.

Or rather I just feel guilty for sleeping in this morning.

Or I'm just getting freaked out and super worried that I am 1 day away from my first paper.

And I really should sleep.

But I can't. And part of me don't want to.

I'm scared for exams lar... Alot more to revise and cramping in everything.

Maybe I just have many things in my head, which I really need to shove aside so I can do 1 thing at a time.

I can't seem to multitask anymore.

Ya I think I'm just hungry. *grumbles*

Mini mini da'wah

2010-12-06T20:59:00.003+08:00

Just when I wanted to start a new roll on tumblr to mark the new hijrah year and a new project to promote Islam and Islamic values, tumblr seems to have crashed so back to all-time-favourite blogger.

Just wanted to say that I passed by Watsons just now and Maher Zain's song was playing. The cashier was a Muslim lady.

I went to Ahmad's play at Mountbatten CC last Saturday. He wrote the play while promoting a typical Muslim makcik (though not all makcik has a smart talented daughter that ran away larh eh) and the way he wrote it secara tak langsung he's educating his viewers about Islam, the five daily prayers Muslims perform, the fasting month of Ramadhan, the tudung to cover the hair which is aurat, the greeting of salam etc.

On facebook today a new movement has started to change display pictures to portray Islamic values.

Salam Maal Hijrah, may the truth prevail for many many centuries to come :) It has prevailed 1432 years (and more) and it is our duty as Muslims of this day to ensure that it continues to prevail.

Things happen

2010-12-05T23:52:00.003+08:00

There's alot that's going through my mind... :) If there really is such a thing as a quick quill, I would pen them all down. IF... I could put all of them into words that is.

I guess things happen, and I wanna share about them, but yet some things are meant for you, and only you will benefit from it, or find significance in it, or just appreciate it. There's a reason why it happened to you and not to someone else.

Cartoon for a Cause

2010-12-04T07:11:00.004+08:00

‎"Change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday, Dec. 6, there should be no human faces on facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a Campaign for Children's ...rights: violence against children."

It makes me happy, like we're all united ...for a rightful cause and aww, childhood memories :P All the more I keep visiting fb every few minutes hehe.

My ultimate favourite!!!! Though I didn't know that was what the lyrics meant :s

And I actually memorized the japanese lyrics of this song, though I can't remember what the cartoon's about:

You want something. Go get it. Period.

2010-11-27T20:40:00.000+08:00

I love this scene...

Because of you

2010-11-27T20:34:00.001+08:00

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.- William Arthur Ward

Partly because I have friends who're more of brothers and sisters to me that are like this, that I now stand as who I am today...

Don't Quit

2010-11-27T20:31:00.002+08:00

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Personality

2010-11-24T22:41:00.003+08:00

I was digging my archives for some old posts and came across these personality profile of myself. I think I'd hardly changed at all :s

PersonalDNA
Saturday, January 24, 2009

Faithful Thinker

P.S. You can roll over each bar to read a short note on each

You're a thinker
#

Your cautiousness, appreciation of functionality, and imagination combine to make you a THINKER. (hmm... I guess so)
#

You have a vivid capacity for imagery that allows you to see beyond your present circumstances. (yup, sometimes, and these imageries help me get out of alot of difficult depressing situations)
#

You like to be sure of yourself before voicing your opinion. (yes, I do mostly)
#

A lot of your time is spent at home, or with the people you care about. (yes, if there's nothing, you'll find me at home the whole day)
#

Although you may dream often, you're very aware of how things work, and you value things that work well.
#

You take comfort in the familiar, and value predictability—and others value those things in you. (though I don't mind trying new things sometimes)
#

Accordingly, you prefer a set routine, and although you often imagine how things can be different, you're hesitant to take risks to change things. (but these days i seem to need to change my plans last min, I put more trust in where my feet brings me than where my mind and heart directs)
#

Sometimes you doubt whether you have the ability to face certain challenges, but your practical focus helps you solve most problems. (doubtful uhuh)
#

Because of this, you tend to be more reactive than proactive, thinking thoroughly about the challenges that you face. (yes I think/plan so much but don't do anything, and that's bad uh)
#

You have a broad-based, theoretical understanding of the world that allows you to understand its workings.

If you want to be different:
#

Try indulging your imagination a bit more by experiencing new and different things. (insyaAllah I would!!)
#

Have a little more faith in your capacity to do things—turn your thoughts into actions! (haha insyaAllah I'll try la k)

how you relate to others
You are Faithful
#

Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.
#

Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends. (not so true)
#

Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener. (it's for you to judge)
#

While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you. (mostly, but more often than not I won't say my opinion)
#

Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.
#

Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society. (yep, that's why we have law what)
#

Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings. (YES!! I need that reflection time)
#

Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously. (seriously yes. if u're nice to me, insyaAllah I'll try to be doubly nice to u hehe)

If you want to be different:
#

Some of the alternate perspectives that you understand may have more value than you give them credit for—keep in mind that right and wrong aren't always so clear-cut. (haha the grey areas between blc and white huh?)
#

While you are able to reap the benefits of your time alone, and may see interacting with a lot of people as more tiring than exciting, remember that there is a lot to be learned from experiencing things and not just reflecting on them. (well, you have to experience something and reflect on it la kan)

INTP
Thursday, August 14, 2008

Takde kerja lain gali archives hehehe... and found the analysis. The results INTP was from Psycho class last sem. I think yea I'm very much like this. Especially the one I bold the whole paragraph. If I know what I'm talking about, my voice will be loud and clear. If not, cakap nyamuk agaknya je dengar haha.

INTP - The Thinker

Logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Highly value knowledge, competence and logic. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others.

Portrait of an INTP - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

(Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Intuition)

As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.

INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.

INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.

The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.

The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.

For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.

The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.

The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.

Personality Test
Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Jung Test Results

Introverted (I) 53.13% Extroverted (E) 46.88%
Sensing (S) 50% Intuitive (N) 50%
Thinking (T) 52.94% Feeling (F) 47.06%
Perceiving (P) 51.43% Judging (J) 48.57%

INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

INTP
loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence, likes esoteric things, disorganized, messy, likes science fiction, can be lonely, observer, private, can't describe feelings easily, detached, likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others, does not think they are weird but others do, socially uncomfortable, abrupt, fantasy prone, does not like happy people, appreciates strangeness, frequently loses things, acts without planning, guarded, not punctual, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not prone to compromise, hard to persuade, relies on mind more than on others, calm

favored careers:
philosopher, game designer, scientist, software engineer, freelance artist, research scientist, assassin, freelance writer, physicist, software developer, mathmetician, geologist, computer scientist, philosophy professor, webmaster, slacker, medical researcher, painter, mortician, systems analyst, comic book artist, computer technician, website designer, scholar, archeologist, computer repair, forensic anthropologist, astronaut, researcher, historian, systems engineer, genetics researcher, astronomer, enviromental scientist, egyptologist

disfavored careers:
human resources, public relations, social worker, guidance counselor, health care worker, trainer, school teacher, wedding planner, movie star, hospitality worker, supervisor, child care worker, fundraiser, customer service, stay at home parent, office administrator

ISTP - "Engineer". Values freedom of action and following interests and impulses. Independent, concise in speech, master of tools. 5.4% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

ISTP
hidden, private, has trouble describing feelings, not very affectionate, loner tendencies, lower energy, can be insensitive to the misfortunes of others, disorganized, messy, fears drawing attention to self, anti-tattoos, anti counter culture, not comfortable in unfamiliar situations, avoidant, rather unemotional, does not like attention, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, hermitic, not complimentary, dislikes leadership, more submissive then domineering

favored careers:
aerospace engineer, technician, computer scientist, software engineer, software developer, scientist, bar owner, automotive technician, electrician, engineer, mathmatician, industrial engineer, nuclear engineer, biotechnology, mechanic, systems analyst, computer animator, data analyst, video game designer

disfavored careers:
artist, fashion designer, theater director, poet, dancer, actor, singer, english teacher or professor, art teacher, healer, stage manager, florist, art therapist, school teacher, music journalist

The key

2010-11-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

Allah Allah.

I lost the key, no wonder I'd been stuck since just now.

Lillahi, lillahi ta'ala! InsyaAllah khair.

Chem Degree

2010-11-22T21:18:00.002+08:00

I can still hardly believe that Im taking a degree in chem, even if its just a minor.

Come to think of it, I cant believe I was a Triple Science student, or that I carried through with Physics and A Msths till the end, or that I took elect lit for O's, or that I'm a Higher Malay student since pri sch, or that I even made it to Temasek Sec!

Believing in yourself

2010-11-22T21:02:00.003+08:00

Even if you lose hope in yourself, don't lose hope in Allah k Marli k?

I came across this article awhile back:

*Siri Penulisan HOPE ini diadaptasi dari Modul Pengisian Tahajjud Cinta 3 : HOPE, Kehidupan Sebagai Ujian*

Dengan nama Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani

Urwah merupakan putera kepada pasangan 2 sahabat nabi Muhammad yang begitu terkenal iaitu Zubair bin Al-Awwam dan Asma’ binti Abu Bakar as-siddiq. Kisah kecekalan Urwah sangat menyentuh hati. Urwah masih lagi redha dengan ujian yang diberikan oleh Allah kepadanya walaupun ramai orang yang mengganggap ujian itu terlalu berat untuk dipikul. Namun, kerana sikap redha dan juga yakin dengan ketentuan Allah, Urwah sentiasa menerima musibah sebagai ujian dan beliau juga yakin bahawa pasti terdapat hikmah disebaliknya.

Suatu hari ‘Urwah diundang oleh Khalifah Walid bin Abd Malik untuk datang ke istananya di Syam. Dalam perjalanan, ‘Urwah merasakan sesuatu yang tidak kena pada kakinya. Tidak lama kemudian, timbul sebuah bisul dikakinya lalu menjadi luka. Setibanya di Syam, khalifah mendatangkan seorang tabib untuk merawat luka itu. Setelah memeriksa luka itu, Tabib menyimpulkan bahawa luka itu merupakan suatu jangkitan yang akan merebak ke seluruh badan jika tidak dihentikan segera dengan memotong kaki.

Beliau setuju untuk kakinya dipotong tetapi beliau mahu tetap berada dalam kesedaran sewaktu operasi dijalankan dengan alasan beliau mahu sentiasa mengingati Alllah meskipun harus merasa kepedihan. Akhirnya tabib itu memotong kakinya dengan gergaji, sementara ‘Urwah dengan penuh kesabaran menyaksikan perkara itu tanpa sedikit pun mengeluarkan suara kesakitan.

Pada waktu yang sama, seorang anak ‘Urwah yang menemaninya dalam perjalanan telah ditendang oleh seekor keldai sehingga anaknya meninggal. Pelbagai ujian yang menimpa ‘Urwah namun belaiu masih boleh menemui alasan untuk memuji Allah meskipun dalam musibah yang memilukan. ‘Urwah berkata seperti ini:

“Ya Allah, Engkau memberikan 7 orang anak. Jika engkau mengambil satu orang, Engkau masih meninggalkan 6 lainnya. Dan Engkau memberiku 4 anggota (2 tangan, 2 kaki). Jika engkau mengambil satu, Engkau masih meninggalkan 3 yang lain.”

Masha Allah, begitu kuat keimanan Urwah dalam menghadapi ujian Allah. Tidak ramai orang yang dapat tetap menjaga fikiran positif, apa lagi bersyukur kepada Allah, ditengah-tengah hentaman musibah yang bertubi-tubi. Hanya orang yang benar-benar redha dengan ujian Allah sahaja yang dapat melakukan hal itu.

Pengajaran yang boleh kita cedok daripada kisah di atas ialah, setiap perkara yang berlaku kepada kita memang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah dan semuanya merupakan ujian untuk kita untuk menguji sejauh manakah iman kita .Oleh itu, tiada gunanya kita menyalahkan takdir. Yakinlah bahawa Allah Maha Mengetahui terhadap segala sesuatu kerana Allah adalah pencipta segala alam ini.

Firman Allah dalam al-ankabut:2

“ adakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan “Kami telah beriman”, sedangkan mereka belum diuji?”

Kelapangan dan kesempitan , kekayaan dan kemiskinan , kejayaan dan kekalahan, kesenangan dan kegembiraan, kesedihan dan kesusahan semuanya adalah UJIAN. Adakah kita yakin bahawa kita telah menggunakan kelapangan masa yang dianugerahkan Allah untuk melakukan kebaikan untuk mencapai redhaNya? Adakah benar bahawa kita telah beramal sebaiknya sewaktu kita sihat? Adakah benar bahawa rezeki kurniaan Allah digunakan untuk tujuan yang betul? Banyak lagi persoalan yang perlu difikir dan direnung kembali. Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang benar-benar beriman kepada Allah akan menganggap semua itu adalah ujian. ujian bukan diturunkan untuk menyusahkan kita tetapi ujian adalah sesuatu yang perlu diatasi dengan bijak agar kita mampu menjadi hamba Allah yang bersabar.

Firman Allah:

“Dan janganlah engkau tujukan pandangan matamu kepada kenikmatan yang telah Kami berikan kepada beberapa golongan dari mereka, (sebagai) bunga kehidupan dunia, agar Kami uji mereka dengan (kesenangan) itu. Kurnia Tuhanmu lebih baik dan lebih kekal.”

Kenapa kita diuji? Kenapa setengah orang cepat berputus asa apabila menerima sesuatu musibah? Sedangkan semua itu adalah ujian daripada Allah untuk menilai siapakah yang terbaik amalannya dalam kalangan manusia. Kita sepatutnya bersyukur sekiranya ditimpa ujian kerana sebenarnya Allah sedang menilai kita untuk diberikan kita syurga, ganjaran yang tiada tandingan.

Firman Allah dalam Al– Kahfi:7

“…sesungguhnya Kami telah menjadikan apa yang ada di bumi sebagai perhiasan baginya, untuk Kami menguji mereka, siapakah di antaranya yang terbaik perbuatannya…”

Allah tidak akan membiarkan manusia diuji di luar batasannya. Allah tahu bahawa kita mampu untuk memikulnya. Oleh itu, janganlah kita menolak kepercayaan yang diberikan oleh Allah kepada kita dengan berasa putus asa dan cepat mengalah .

Firman Allah lagi di dalam surah al-Baqarah:286

“Allah tidak akan membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya”

Allah tidak sesekali meninggalkan hambaNya. Allah tahu kehendak manusia oleh sebab itu Allah telah menasihati kita serta memberi garis panduan bagaimana untuk menghadapi ujian itu sendiri. dalam surah Yusuf: 187

“..dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir”

Kesimpulannya, tabah dan sabarlah menempuhi kehidupan ini kerana kehidupan itu sendiri merupakan ujian buat kita. Seindah atau seburuk mana pun kehidupan dan dunia di mata kita, akhirat jualah tempat kembali. Jadi, anggaplah ujian sebagai jalan untuk kita menuju syurganya.

http://www.ataphijau.com/2010/03/24/hope-the-seriescinta-menguji-iman/

Sedang meyakinkan diri sepenuhnya bahawa Allah tidak akan membebani hambaNya lebih daripada kemampuannya.

I can do this. I can do this. I'd always been a clown juggling all the balls in my hands carefully. I'd let go of so many balls and there's just a few left, how can it be harder than before when there were more balls?

I can do this, yes I can.

Just shrugs

2010-11-22T20:34:00.002+08:00

I saw many many pigeons at the open field infront of ghufran and I just feel like spreading my arms and running across the field scaring them away...

Maybe I'd feel better if I'd done that.

Just feeling so overwhelmed and suffocated. I've got Spectroscopy test tmr, meeting with Ili to finish Plant Diversity local flora assignment on Thurs morn, Animal Diversity lab on Saturday morn (meaning, vertebrate 10-pages assignment due then), NIE exams starting on 8th Dec, ending on 13th Dec, one paper after another (exclude Sat & Sun) of which I'm barely halfway through revisions and memorisation, e-trial tests on 15th & 16th Dec, FTT on 16th Dec, madrasah exams on 12th Dec and 19th Dec.. I'm scared. Worst off, I have no confidence to face my challenges... I'm feeling demoralised and off-track. I just have no motivation to do anything and so I'm crawling past day by day doing one thing at a time depending on what is due first. I'm so easily tired these days and I'm just not making full use of my time.

I may feel on the uphill one day, and the next I feel like I'm rolling backwards again.

*shrugs*

I'll be fine tmr, insyaAllah.

Dip to SOAR

2010-11-16T00:58:00.002+08:00

Ok dah. I'm fine already. Time to get up and run again (not literally but yeah...)

You just need these short 'dipping moments' that bring you down for awhile before you soar back up again.

Why can't I? I CAN get my As and improve my GPA. I CAN get my license by Feb 2011. That's already overcoming the first obstacle. :)

Next obstacle... *opens notes*

Just don't give up. Just don't give up.

Just overwhelmed

2010-11-15T22:36:00.003+08:00

Kita hanya berusaha, berikhtiar, berdoa dan bertawakkal sahaja, keputusan akhirnya tetap berada di tangan (figuratively) Allah.

It hadn't been easy finding volunteers for korban this year. So many doesn't seem to be able to help out. I'm really maximising my network to the limits... And yet...

This is not the main issue though. Nothing is. Just that when you put minor minor issues together, it just gets too overwhelming and you feel like your chest is about to burst.

Driving was horrible today. I panicked and lost control of what things I need to do. It's my 8th lesson for goodness sake, and no matter how much I keep telling myself that "Look, don't compare with others... It doesn't matter how long you take to get to your destination as long as you do not give up" but... I can't accept that I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again! I can't help it, especially when I panic! And my recovery period is at least 10-15 mins of which within that time span I make even more mistakes, oh gosh. Horrible. How to pass like this???? Come to think of it, of the 6 e-trial tests I did (without studying), I failed 5 by a few percent. I don't know if I can even pass my FTT. I was lucky the last time, if luck even has anything to do with it.

At home, well... something happened that made me regret using my mum's phone for that short period of how many days. REGRET. I could have lived without a phone...

I was so happy I made notes for half a topic this afternoon when I made a sudden decision to drop at TP to study at ITAS. I thought I can finish at least this 1 chapter tonight. Fat hope.

It's been a long time since I kept myself from saying this but it sums everything up best today: I'm stressed.

Just so overwhelmed with challenges bombarding me four at once.

I want my As, I want to pull up my GPA to 3.5 or 3.6 this sem. I want to pass my e-trial test this Dec. I want to get my license before I turn 22.

I don't want to disappoint others, especially when trust has been given to me. I hate to lose people's trust in me because I know how painful it is to gain it back once it's lost.

Honestly, I've given my best.

I kept to what I said I would do. I would try to cover some of my notes on the train ride and reduce sleep. I did.

It's just so hard to see the mini tiny achievements when faced with much bigger challenges.

I miss TP. I really do. I miss the grades I used to get in Year 1. I really do. I miss how there seems to be no problem around at all... I think I'm getting myself too much involved. Too much for my own good.

The hardest thing to learn to do, is to learn to forgive yourself...

Chem Test on Thursday. I AM putting in effort, as much, best as I can put in. And still, it falls far short from my friends.

There's this frustration inside that I have no idea where to channel to. I might hurt people. There's this lump stuck in my throat, it's sickening.

11.44pm. Gtg.

Hormone imbalance not helping at all.

Reminding myself that Allah doesn't test his servants more than they can take....

Allahu Allah

2010-11-04T21:01:00.001+08:00

The lyrics are powerful...

LYRICS AND TRANSLATION:

Allah Allahu
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase me in faith
Allahu ya allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Allah Allahu
(Repeats)

Ighfirli Ya Rabbi - Forgive for me, my Lord..
'iSyani Wa Dhanbi - ..my disobedience and my sins
Ighfirli Ya Rabbi - Forgive for me, my Lord..
'iSyani Wa Dhanbi - ..my disobedience and my sins
Addam'u Fi 'ayni - Tears are in my eyes
Farhamni Ya Allah - So have mercy on me, Oh Allah
Addam'u Fi 'ayni - Tears are in my eyes
Farhamni Ya Allah - So have mercy on me, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase my faith
Allahu Ya Allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Ad-Deenu Naadaani - Religion called out to me
Lil-Khayri AwSaani - To goodness it advised me (to go)
Ad-Deenu Naadaani - Religion called out to me
Lil-Khayri AwSaani - To goodness it advised me (to go)
Wadh-Dhambu Aghnani- And the sin has enriched me (in experience?)
Ya Khaliqal Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Wadh-Dhambu Aghnani- And the sin has enriched me (in experience?)
Ya Khalikal Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur'an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase my faith
Allahu Ya Allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Ya Kashifal-Balwaa - O solver of any crisis
Ya Sami'an-Najwaa - O hearer of cries for help
Ya Kashifal-Balwaa - O solver of any crisis
Ya Sami'an-Najwaa - O hearer of cries for help
Zidni Minat-Taqwaa - Increase me in Piety
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan- O creator of the Worlds
Zidni Minat-Taqwa - Increase me in Piety
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan- O creator of the Worlds
(Repeats)

Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Ya Khaliqal-Akwaan - O creator of the Worlds
Ya Munzilal-Qur2an - O revealer of the Quran
Zidni Minal-Iman - Increase me in faith
Allahu Ya Allah - Allah, Oh Allah
(Repeats)

Allah Allahu
(Repeats)

Always Be There by Maher Zain

2010-11-02T16:38:00.001+08:00

Came across this video quite suddenly. The video is kinda relaxing, macam tak kena dengan lagu, tapi takpelah sebab lyric lagu pon best.

Allahu Akbar…

If you ask me about love
And what i know about it
My answer would be
It’s everything about Allah
The pure love, to our souls
The creator of you and me,the heaven and whole universe
The one that made us whole and free
The guardian of HIS true believers
So when the time is hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise HE will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us

So when the time is hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise HE will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us
And HE knows what’s in all in our heart

So when you lose your way
To Allah you should turn
As HE promise HE will always be there…

HE bring ourselves from the darkness into the light
Subhanallah praise belongs to YOU for everything
Shouldn’t never feel afraid of anything
As long as we follow HIS guidance all the way
Through the short time we have in this life
Soon it all’ll be over
And we’ll be in His heaven and we’ll all be fine

So when the time gets hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise He will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us
And HE knows what’s in all in our heart

So when you lose your way
To Allah you should turn
As HE promise HE will always be there…

Allahu Akbar…

So when the time gets hard
There’s no way to turn
As HE promise He will always be there
To bless us with HIS love and HIS mercy
Coz, as HE promise HE will always be there
HE’s always watching us, guiding us
And he knows what’s in all in our heart

So when you lose your way
To Allah you should turn
As HE promise HE will always be there…

Allahu Akbar…

Ain't about how fast I get there

2010-11-02T10:26:00.004+08:00

I cancelled this Thurs' driving lesson. Not because I'm giving up or anything like that. I just need some time to stand up back and continue the fight. If it takes forever, then so be it. I am not someone else. I am me. And I shall take the time I need, as long as I don't give up. Gotta keep trying till I get it right. I AM giving my best, and that should count for something right?

This song helps:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

I'm Sorry I can't be Perfect

2010-11-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

Another song that is in my head... Ok actually not the whole song, I didn't even know what's the song about till today. It's the phrase that strikes me... "I'm sorry I can't be perfect"

Siapalah Aku by Amy Mastura

2010-11-01T23:25:00.002+08:00

This song is suddenly on my mind... tried to find a music video, but all are of bad quality... So just the lyrics will do.

Siapalah aku ini
Yang ingin memetik cintamu
Siapalah seadanya
Diriku di sisimu

Kau punya segalanya
Sedangkan aku insan hina
Hidupku penuh dengan kisah duka
Antara kita jurang nya berbeza

Biarlah usahlah
Bermain dengan api
Kelaknya terbakar sendiri

Biarlah tersimpan
Segala perasaan
Rahsia hatiku terhadapmu
Siapalah aku

Sulking in despair

2010-11-01T22:38:00.003+08:00

I didn't exactly have a good day today... Was so tired in the morning that I decided to skip class (thank God he doesn't take attendance). Dah siap tau, tinggal pakai tudung, then merengek to my mum taknak gi sch and she allowed. Tapi mak pesan... Sekali takpe, jangan selalu2! Hehe, insyaAllah tak. So right after that, tukar to home tshirt and continue to sleep... All the way till nearly noon, terbangun and realised I'm late for driving! Merengek to my dad pulak and there I was at Ubi in time for my practical.

Today's driving spoilt my day. My 6th lesson! And I stalled thrice, boooooooooo. As usual, we don't have unnecessary chats in the car... It's all business. Seriously, he looks so unmotivated and unenthusiastic, as if he's been forced to do this. And he scolded me :( Not shout at me uh, but like reprimand gitu. I still don't understand what am i supposed to look out for when I 'check blindspot' or 'check mirror', so I asked him explain again arh, and he said, "Just now you said you got it?" Blergh. He makes me sound like I can't drive. Hey, like duh, I can't drive and that's why I'm here to LEARN to drive right?

I was so demoralised that I had no mood to write in my notebook about what I learned as I usually would, right after the lesson. Especially since what kept ringing in my head is that: Amalina spent two weeks and only about $200 of crash course and passed on her first trial and Mahmudah said last week that she started learning all the other things after just a couple of lessons while I'm still driving around correcting gear and signal and such for the past 5 lessons. Ya ya, I'm such a slow learner when it comes to driving but hey I'm trying my best! Ni yang buat malaaaaaaaas nak continue driving tau, I find no support. Yea my parents, especially my mum, want me to pass so much but they don't understand how hard it is for me and how much is this costing me financially and emotionally!

I pretty much did nothing today but sulk in despair. I feel like cancelling this Thurs' lesson. Got no mood...

I was really thinking about asking for a change of instructor, but firstly, the process sounds tedious and... also when I think back, although Andrew made me comfortable and almost stress-free with driving, he didn't spot my mistakes, I wouldn't learn that way... Haiz, I shall let things flow then. I have about 3 more months to improve... Really, as much as I want to pass just to prove to myself that I can do it, I'm really doing this for my mum... at least to stop her from nagging. My innate motivation for this is depleting though... *sobs*

I just feel like I have alot of troubles on my shoulders, I just feel pinned down, and I can't move forward. There's so many things to do and I dunno where to start!

I feel so small, so insignificant, so useless, so stupid... It's demoralising! I was trying to find something to cheer me up just now, and found nothing... I don't think I'd given a single sincere smile today... :(

Everyone seems to have something they're good at. I don't seem to have any... Or at least I have yet to find it. I'm sure Allah didn't create me to fail at everything. I'm sure there's something special about me, right? That will help me fulfill the purpose of my creation, whatever that may be... Adakah kamu kira bahawa Allah mencipta amu dengan sia-sia? Tidak sesekali...

It's all about me

2010-10-31T00:56:00.002+08:00

I think I'm selfish.... Very. But waddeheck, I shall delve into that another day. I used to give in alot, but I learned my lesson... I only give in when I need to now. Forgive me for being selfish.

Mini Break

2010-10-30T12:34:00.002+08:00

The past two days had been hectic with awesome happenings, it's so awesome that I can't seem to pen it down hehe.

Let's see, let's take a look at the things that happened:

Thursday~
morn: 5th driving lesson. Reached 15 mins late cos got delayed at home when some pest control people checked the house. Kevin was absent, Andrew joined me instead. Andrew made me see logic in the things I do on the road, I loiike!
early afternoon: wanted to Zohor at Masjid Mydin, talked to a makcik there while waiting for azan, interesting to hear her story holding 3 jobs to put her four children through school single-handedly, and one of her children is one of the exective officer of something at MUIS who goes on visits to Syria, Yaman, Saudi etc with distingushed people of the country.
same afternoon: found that i lost my ezlink card when i wanted to tap at kembangan mrt and decided to traced back my steps all the way back to Masjid Mydin and to the busstop at the top of the hill at Jalan Senang, and when I went back to kembangan mrt, turns out i dropped my ezlink at the Cheers shop there -_-
late afternoon: about 15 mins late for Chem *shrugs* chem equations just made me go bonkers that I left the class saying I wanna die. Harizah's comment was funny: "Chem makes you have suicidal thoughts???"
early evening: prayed Asar, went to find the final clue from my Angel under the photocopier at level 2 -_- and met up with the Bio people to go for sushi at Yew Tee shin Tokyo! Izzati drove us in mai's Wish hehe.
evening: sushi was greaaaaattttt! except the sweet potato croquette, blergh.
night: on such a full stomach i rushed to Masjid Al-Khair for Maghrib and Isya', woah.

Friday~
morn: badminton with Bio peeps at yishun. Yishun?!?!?! Yea... 2 hours late, but really i was so tired seriously. Badminton was woohoo~! Rejuvenating!
afternoon: went home for a quick shower and Zohor before going meeting Husni to go Asian Civilisation Museum. Thought it'd be $8, but turns out it's free! yay~! enjoyed the camwhoring moments and can't wait for Husni to upload pics!
evening: had mcflurry after the visit and felt a sorethroat coming, and apparently ignored it as I went to get a packet of nasi briyani and gomped down the whole packet at Ghufran. Yums.
night: FMS meeting, argh still no motivation, it's not about not seeing the reason for doing or not having enough manpower but i dunno, i just can't seem to sit down and START where I left off months ago.

Ah shucks, people start coming oredi. GTG!

Menuju Mardhatillah

2010-10-28T00:18:00.001+08:00

Dah lama tak dengar ni! Such a timely reminder for dear self who've been thinking too much about shopping and holidays and outings and food and such...

Can't wait for Pesantren for some cleansing of the heart, insyaAllah... Mudah-mudahan niat tak lari!

"Take only what you need from this dunya and use it while earnestly striving to reach your Lord and seek His reward" - a reminder for the wayfarer on this journey of purpose

Yay

2010-10-27T23:30:00.002+08:00

I'm excited about driving tmr, whee~!

At about 7.30pm I saw Mahirah posted a pic of her tudung on this tudung hanger that I'd been looking for. Found out that Ikea sells it at $9 only compared to prices I've heard, straightaway after Isya' I changed and got my dad to drive me to Ikea, and in less than an hour, I was safe and sound with 2 of such hangers hehe. 2hours later, I've hung about 50 of my tudungs and realise more than 20 are the plain ones that I usually wear, and more than 20 others are the designed ones which are smaller, and thus I rarely wear. AND I realise I need another of such hanger for my shawls, no space oredi :s

My point is, wow that was a fast (and rash) decision! Haha

Driving is at 10.20-12.00 tmr. Then I have 2 1/2hrs to travel to school and zohor. Argh it's tutorial tmr and I haven't done it. by hey I finished reading about the seed plants life cycle before Bio today and by the time I reached Tiong bahru on the way home, I'd finished Chonrichthyes and Osteichthyes. Gotta finish tutorial before class tmr...

Today we had a field trip to Botanic Gardens. Interesting though it was pretty hot and tiring, had to be careful with my footing on the slopes we went on... trust our prof to go off the walk trail...

Oh today is Pink Hijab Day! Yay for pink! Haha, and I realise I have alot of pink tudung but very few pink tops.. Hmm...

I wanna shop for pink tops, shirts to go with skirts, skirts and shawls, but.... not this month... I'm scrimping every cent I can. Driving (school) is costing me a bomb. Sheesh... next pay still need to pay for December bookings. Please please please let me pass before I turn 22... I wanna drive officially! Haha, but for now still alot to learn... So yeah, let's take things slowly...

Alright world, I should attempt to do my tutorial, or at least go to sleep...

Accomplishment for today!

2010-10-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

I feel productive today. Finished going through Agnatha lec notes before class this morning, which is earlyyyy. Even reached school early to go and print. Had my long-awaited cutlet spaghetti lunch before going to the IAW oepning ceremony. Was late, but yeaaaa... Studied abit of Chondrichthyes before taking a short nap. Was paying attention in Chem. Studied abit of Spectroscopy and made notes of the formulas after lec. Continue to read abit of Chonrichthyes after Maghrib and during dinner, afterwhich continued on Spectroscopy. On the train I couldn't take down notes but I finished going through the whole Chapter 1 of Spectroscopy. Perhaps I can jot down the notes tmr.

Would like to finish the Chondrichthyes notes and read on seed plants life cycle for tmr's visit to Botanic Gardens, but I'm rather exhausted. Migraine whole day, but yea I feel accomplished...

Things to accomplish tmr:
- read seed plant life cycle on the way to school
- finish Chondrichthyes probably on the bus ride
- jot down Spectroscopy notes during break (if any... doubt so...) or during train ride home
- attempt Swee Ngin's tutorial, hopefully can finish by tmr night on the way home, otherwise I'd attempt it on Thurs morning before driving

Quite alot for a slacker like me actually but insyaAllah can as I have the momentum...

Right now, I should really get some rest.

Pink hijab day tmr!

I feel good na na na na na na na :)

2010-10-25T20:38:00.003+08:00

Driving was greaaaaaattttt today! I was more confident on the road, can change-up and change-down on my own with less prompts from Kevin. Footwork and gear coordination was much better. I see improvement in myself, yet of course there's more room for improvement especially at bends, overtaking and changing lanes. Shall work on those this Thurs insyaAllah. I still panic when i dunno what to do on the road, hehe. That'd take abit more work. The 1hr plus was usual, silent and boring haha, but good la, can concentrate on the road. I'm just happy that up till now I haven't stalled the car hehe, though sometimes I still release the clutch too fast that the car jerked. I'm excited! Hopefully yes yes I can get my license before I turn 22!

I just finished watching Chamber of Secrets on DVD. Wanted to watch it on Channel 5 last Sat, but only got to watch abit as we had to go down to bbq oredi. I miss my HP crazy phase! Hex rpg, virtual Hogwarts, reading fanfictions, writing my own fanfiction... Haha, I was talking to Liy about HP and realised I know ALOT about HP, I wanna read the books again, I wanna play the games again, I wanna watch the movies again, I wanna talk about HP again! I even named my phone silent mode as Silencio last time hehe.

Ok, I missed out on my sleep and study time today! HP has got to wait till 17 Nov. Need to study smart and rest well hehe.

I can't wait for pesantren this Dec, a nice way to get things in order after exams (which includes my FTT too) :)

Allah Knows by Zain Bikha

2010-10-24T09:05:00.004+08:00

I need you Allah, always... but more so, now...

When you feel all alone in this world
And there's nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS
No matter what, inside or out
There's one thing of which there's no doubt
Allah knows
Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS

When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows
Allah knows

You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS (x2)

BRIDGE:
Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows

I'm crying... Oh Allah, you know my state best, I seek refuge and comfort in you my God, my Lord, my Sustainer, my Provider, my Love.

Nom nom nom

2010-10-24T07:35:00.003+08:00

Nom nom nom nom nom... *sigh*

My mum said that I act differently at home with family and outside with friends.

Well, to a certain extent I wouldn't deny that. Family is my mahram, I can be comfortable with. Outside with friends there are certain limits to how I act right? At home you can say out your thoughts and feelings openly but outside with friends you may have to filter abit for you have not known them all your life and wouldn't know how they'd take it.

At the same time, I'd say that yes I'm garang at home with my family, and yes I'm garang outside with my friends too, ESPECIALLY when I'm rushing an assignment, my patience and tolerance is really low and anybody near me just gets it. And lately, that is how it is, school has started and so there are assignment after assignments to rush for. And I just don't wish to be disturbed....

And I am very impatient when teaching someone something too (i.e. teaching my mum how to use a new handphone, just as teaching a friend say.... how to plot a graph on excel?) which I'm trying to change la actually since I'm going to be a teacher and I'd definitely need to be patient with the weaker students...

But my mum thinks that I try to be an angel outside and her suggestion that I'm being hypocritic is... hurtful. Just feel that the advice or reminder could have come in a nicer way than a sindiran...

Haiz, another thing is that, this week I'd be home before Maghrib every single day, but when I came home late yesterday (I told her I had bbq with friends, obviously it'd end late...) my mum said I come home late everyday.... That's not fair... That's not true! I'd really been trying to cut down my commitments outside by having no more than say... 2 meetings per week! Of course it doesn't help when meetings start late cos people come late and so we have to end late grrrrrrrr... so angry. I rejected to being the vice-president of NTUMS (as in, I was nominated only lah, not chosen pon but yea I rejected the post out of my own free will) and I ignored the msg to be the finance/business manager of Islamic Awareness Week (sry! I was busy! and yea me and financing/business don't really get along well together... And since I lost my contacts I have no idea who msged... so I just decided to ignore since I'm afraid that if I reply, somehow I'd get dragged into it anyways... It's easier to reject in sms than in a call or face-to-face conversation...) anddddd I also rejected to be the Head of Muslimah for the Tarbiyah subcomm giving the excuse that my commitments in Fityan requires much of my attention already. That's THREE rejects ok. It takes courage to say no, but I have been juggling and I'm sick of being a clown. I'm not being courageous, I'm just being realistic. With my parents being overbearingly erm... like this (I dunno, I guess I was such a free bird when I stayed in hall that I just feel caged and suffocated now when my parents ask what time am I going out, what time am I coming back, who will I be with, where will I be going like everyday... I know I know, girls my age some still have curfews etc and probably get it worse, but yea...) I just have to lessen my commitments outside and be at home more (which I don't really know what to do other than the normal lah, facebook, watch tv, eat, do work, read, sleep, and that is wrong? And I DO talk to my parents, what else is expected of me, tell me!!!! It's not that I don't wanna go out with my mum or family, they just have to tell me earlier so I can plan my time... please, I only go out with friends like once or twice a month... other than that, it's usrah, meeting or camp... which doesn't count. When was the last time I watched movie? In august before Ramadhan? When was the last time I had dinner outside with friends? Ramadhan? When was the last time I went cycling or had a bbq or went to play boardgames or just chit chat? Before yesterday, I can't remember when was the last time... Quite sometime ago seh.

And she said that when I'm at home I always sleep, well you have to understand that 2hrs journey to school and another 2hrs journey home IS very very tiring for me especially with lectures in between that just drains all your energy as it requires attention and thinking! (I'm putting much effort in understanding all those equations that's being churned out in class like nobody's business!) This sem I only fell asleep twice in lecture. That's an achievement, especially when I have to leave house as early as 6.30am like on Mondays. Of course I'd be tired and would sleep when I see the bed!

And that accusation that I always sleep is not right! This week I spend two hours daily at least to sit in the living room, eat, watch tv and chat with my parents during tv advertisements. That's effort on my part! An unrecognised effort at that... But I don't think right now is the right time to say that to them... What with all my brother's weeding preparations and I dunno what other things there are...

But yea, I feel so unappreciated. I feel that none of the good things I do get acknowledged or even recognized at all, yet my wrongs are amplified 1000 times, by my own family! And I don't see no effort in trying to understand me... Just so sad...

La tahzan Marl, la tahzan... I feel so alone in my journey sometimes. Sometimes I would share with some of my close sisters/friends but mostly no, I won't, what's the point? Everyone has problems... So I keep them all to myself and yea, let things past, which they will after some time...

This shouldn't be on my blog, especially if someone finds this and talks to my mum about it (like something that happened before) but I need an avenue to let out. I feel bad typing this here as it is, but it's no use talking to my mum about this now to smooth things out. Whatever I say will be rebutted anyway. But yea I've smsed her some of my thoughts yesterday. I hope she doesn't regard it as 'talking back', I'm just desperate to be understood... I guess this is a typical complain of a erm... youth? Things will get better tmr and probably bad again the next day and good again the next next day etc etc. Things will come to past and when you look back, sometimes you just laugh at stupid things that happen, or realise the whole hikmah of others.

I wanted to talk about the bbq yesterday actually. I was bored most of the time, but simple things in between like playing Scramble and TapTap on Ati's phone with Liy, watching Chamber of Secrets with Ati and Liy, trying out tennis with the bunch of them, playing Codebreaker with Hilmy and Ati, Air Hockey with Hilmy, the birthday cards, the bbq itself and our 11.30pm late gorging of food to finish everything and our midnight HTHT session, they made my day, made my week and eventhough I''m stressed that I didn't complete any work at all yesterday, I enjoyed myself because of the company. I love my FOC peeps...

Oh my camera's fixed. I have my darling back to snap and video 'evidences' hehe. I missed my camera...

Ok, I should either eat, study or sleep like now. Have madrasah later...

Oh dreams

2010-10-22T21:22:00.005+08:00

My brother is officially moving out today, he's packing his things with his wife now :( There will be a day that it'd be my turn to leave too... Maybe. And if/when it happens, I think I'm gonna cry because of its significance... My second brother will most likely be the one staying with my parents...

On another note, I have found another reason to visit Dubai thanks to Liyana haha. It's one of the places on my wishlist (oh I got bored and decided to mengelamun for awhile thinking of things I wanna do, and places I wanna go to and Dubai turned up in my list hehe). I'm not a fan of swimming (eventhough it's in my wishlist too just because it's something I rarely do) but the experience with the sharks at the Atlantis Aquaventure Water Park sounds fuuuuuuuun!

Haha, I need something thrilling soon, my life is so dull right now with assignments and reports and books urgh I need fresh air.

Harizah suggested parasailing at Batam this December. I hope I'd be able to go :)

I'm hungryyyyyyy, I seem to be hungry all the time today despite all the food I chunk down! Fact is, there're food I'm craving and I won't get satiated until I get them! Hei Sushi! KFC Popcorn chicken and fries! Swensen spicy fish pasta! *drools* Oh and I keep hearing Wendy's and turns out there's one at Tampines Century Square! I wanna go try!!!

I didn't exactly had a great day. I was so lethargic... And I just had no mood to complete my lab report and had to force myself to crap anyways... I did finish it on time afterall, and even had time to buy and chow down some sardine breadrolls and nuggets before class... But something my friend said hurt me. Same story... About studying...

I don't see why I have to prove anything to anyone... But I feel I need to prove to my friends I can do it... It's a good peer pressure I guess, but I'm not happy... I completed two more pages of slides on top of the two pages yesterday... And I can't wait till I don't have to take Chemistry modules anymore...

You know, I'd been thinking of KRC4 these few days... I miss it. I miss my group, Pesantren Lenggoong... What a myriad of personalities, strong ones at that... Apart from Nadhirah, the rest of us are rather active at Ghufran now. We should have another KRC laaa... I didn't really enjoy KRC5 other than the snorkelling, I dunno, just less significance I guess? KRC4 meant a lot to me, part of my turning point in life, and the activities were gerekkkkk! Flying fox, water rafting, survival cooking, nightwalk, secret admirer etc...

I wanna be young again and have an excuse to be naive hehe

Miracles happen when you believe

2010-10-21T22:54:00.002+08:00

Actually I'm rather proud of myself. I struggle with Chem, I'm almost clueless when A level concepts are brought up, which is most of the time. I take forever just to do simple conversions! To have passed all four Chem modules last acad year is quite an achievement, and all praises be to Allah!

All that's well...

2010-10-21T21:11:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, finally I got around to lunging the NIE laptop all the way across Singapore to get it fixed, and fixed it was under an hour :) Anddddd... Samsung called me to say my camera is ready for collection, whee~!

When I asked, my mum dengan selambanya announced, "Kau jadi cameraman la." Hahahaha buat kelakar betul my mum ni, but unfortunately, she was serious :s. There will be an official wedding photographer la, but my mum wants a set of ours, erm... Kak Maryam, nak pinjam dslr pls! I shall ask my other bro or uncle to help take pics while I video the procession though, whee~!

Oh my mum also said that she'd need me to be close to her at all times. I asked for what? She said, "Jadi mama boleh suroh kau ke sini ke sana la." Kaos, anticlimax betol haha.

I feel like getting myself a new dress, but dunno eh...

I have 4 wisdom teeth, and they're all halfway out. Normally they don't hurt, but when they do, you just feel like killing yourself. Opps, random.

Best jugak jadi adik pengantin eh... Tapi lagi best jadi pengantin kan! Opps heheh :P

Mudah-mudahan semua berjalan dengan lancar... :)

Exams in about a month's time *gulps*

Analogy

2010-10-21T05:07:00.001+08:00

My lecturer says that as a teacher, we should use analogies to help our students understand better, and I realise I'd been using interesting aka quite merepek oso analogies in my blog entries. Haha

Well, there's improvement in my thought process then. Erm.

Akad

2010-10-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

MAK nak kawen! Hahahah, not yet larh, but I couldn't help grinning from ear to ear hearing Abg Sham's akad nikah just now :D Dah, dah halal dah :P

Haha my aunt was here for three days helping with the gubahan for hantaran, so we joked that she'll be here for seven days for my second bro while she'll be here for a month siap khemah angkut satu wardrobe skali for mine hahahah.

The atmosphere was so kecoh, a positive one larh. And my aunts and uncles are so funny, ade2 je hehe.

Finally, my brother's time is here. It could have been 5 years ago or two years ago, but it has been written in the book that it will be today and thus, today it is, with Kak Liza :)

Huff Puff

2010-10-19T23:38:00.000+08:00

Actually I think I'm burning out... Even before the race starts. Kental...

Reflection

2010-10-19T22:55:00.002+08:00

It's never easy to make decisions. May Allah always be the guide behind every decision I make...

Saying no takes courage. I never used to be able to find that courage, but now I have to. It's necessary... I have chosen my battle and I shouldn't turn around. I should give my all in this battle that I'd chosen. Afterall, the goal of both battles is the same, just that the battlefields are different and so are the soldiers. I chose to fight with the brothers and sisters that I have been with for the past 5 years or so. May Allah give me the strength to carry on. I find it hard to move forward. So many distractions... So many obstacles. Persevere Marliyana, for Allah and for the ummah.

I watch the Korean show Bread, Love and Dreams and I learn something from Kim Takgu. You shouldn't chase after positions and titles and such, but go for your passion and your dreams, fight for what you believe in...

School has been pretty a-ok... Pimples sprouting all over my face, eww. But I'd finished my AED essay just now, in 1-2hrs despite cracking my brains for the past week or so to no avail. I enjoyed the last session of the Social Context module just now. I know I'm in the right track, at least for the next 6-7 years of my life. If I think back, I find that I had been tarbiyah-ed just to prepare me for this profession, insyaAllah, I found my calling. I know I have other dreams, other lifestyles I can still see myself in, but since I'm already about 1 1/2 years here, let's make the best out of these next few years and continue to develop myself while I'm at it. I see alot of opportunities to develop myself in this profession. Yes, to be a teacher in this 21st century may sound overwhelming, I think it still is very overwhelming, but I'm excited for the challenge. I can't foresee what fish (kind of students, parents, colleagues, leaders, school environment) will I get but the thought that by the end of just 8 years I would be a better person, insyaAllah, is motivating. I just hope I don't get burned out...

My brother's solemnization ceremony is tomorrow night! So excited :D I missed Abg Wan's and Kak Fiza's solemnization ceremony, I certainly don't want to miss my brother's. *excited*

My head has been throbbing from lack of sleep. The pimple breakout is probably because of this too *sigh* I'd better get some early rest tonight...

Hah?! It's 11.17pm??!! It feels like it's only 9am... :(

Vroom vroom

2010-10-18T16:23:00.002+08:00

I just came back from my third driving practical. I think Kevin, my instructor is tired, and pretty much bored at how slow I learn... And I still can't keep straight in my lane... But at least I improved in putting to gear 2, I didn't put in the wrong gear again and also I pretty much got the hang of braking or clutching in first when approaching a red light behind a car. I shall improve on my gear change (1->2->3->2->1) next Monday, Kevin ask me to control it on my own already without having him to prompt. Gear change itself at least have 4 sub-points I need to remember. Hey so far so good, I've yet to mount a curb (close enough though) or stall the engine (hahah, whenever the car make weird sound, clutch in!) Whee~! Quite demoralised when he feedback at the end of the practical just now, but thinking about it, not bad leh, on my third lesson... And yep yep I shall read the notes I jotted down before next practical and try to improve my gear change.

I have another practical next week and 2 more on the last week of October. I plan to book for twice weekly in November, but December I don't think I can keep to that frequency due to exams, holiday and pesantren insyaAllah... I guess I'll go back to twice weekly (or more) in Jan and Feb. Hopefully I pass my FTT on 16th Dec and get to book a TP before my 22nd birthday! It'd be nice to pass before my 22nd birthday! :D And I shall work towards it. Semoga Allah merezekikanku untuk lulus...

Stress jugak arh pikir pasal S-course, crank-course, parallel parking, vertical parking, stop on slope, directional change and U-turn but insyaAllah boleh. By end of Feb, I should have covered about 30 practicals if I follow my plan. *gulps* I would have spent $2000 or more by then. I guess it's a worth-it investment but woah... $61 per lesson, I better make ch and every lesson worth the money...

Dear Kevin, please have patience with me and don't scold me, I don't wanna stop for the second time...

I cannot take it when I'm scolded...

Speaking of which I can't even take it hearing people being scolded. I don't have the heart for it. As in I'm talking about serious scolding ar... I hate arguments, I hate when people can't compromise and give and take a little, I hate it when people even start raising voice at each other. I get scared of the consequences... Anger brings people nowhere but bad consequences especially if people totally don't talk rationally and just shoot their mouth off or their hands start to move :(

Oh, actually I'm feeling pretty scared on the road, whether I'm driving, or I'm being driven or I'm a pedestrian. I haven't totally gotten over the second accident, and the nightmare I had just made things worst. I talked non-stop or went to sleep to distract myself and I just feel like pulling myself away from the door when my brother drove at a fast speed at the expressway last Saturday night.

I'm wondering how to survive these 4 months as I spend on driving, and I still have to pay for my madrasah fees, my hp bill, my basic necessities and daily expenses, my transport fare (which is like a freaking $4 everyday to and fro school!) apart from the amount I give my mum. I really cut down on my savings... Gotta go earn some bucks to cover up for the lost in savings...

There's so much I wanna talk about today! But sheesh I'd better START on my essay due tomorrow... And go book my practicals for November before it's too late!

Mindset

2010-10-17T13:09:00.001+08:00

Indeed, those were just crap.

My friends care for me and therefore they advice me, so that I can get my As and excel in my studies :)

It's all about mindset. Sorry friends.

frustrated

2010-10-17T01:12:00.003+08:00

*sigh* My FOC mates once said "There are some people who works best under pressure, but Marliyana... she thrives under pressure"...

and Harizah ever said, "I dunno how you do it, but eventhough you start your essays and reports the night before or the morning of the day when they are due, you do a good job with them anyways."

and Mahmudah ever said, "Your paraphrasing is good eh. You put the theory in layman's terms that I cross-refered to your lab report when doing mine when I don't understand what the practical manual is saying." And then I told her that I only started paraphrasing the theory on the morning of the day the report was due...

Yet, people doubt my capabilities. People see me as doing 'unnecessary' things instead of doing my assignments.

*sigh* I do my homework and I do study you know... When I need to arh...

It's not that I like doing things last minute, no eh, but I just can't seem to do things early... And it works for me... So...

Sometimes I do find myself out of the study circle, not that there's an official one but just that these people from JC seem to mug and mug and mug all the time and their lives seem to revolve around homework, assignments, projects, reports, essays or revision. And yes they manage time better than me I guess, but I'm me and I can't be like them no matter how hard I try in my first year...

I don't even know myself well. There is no specific condition that I work best in. There is no specific place that I work best in. There is no specific time of the day that I work best in either.

It all depends on my mood and situation... Sometimes I have to study while in motion in the train or on the bus or even while pacing around a room, while sometimes, rarely though, I need to sit still and do nothing else but focus all my attention on one thing. Sometimes I need to listen to music, at other times I need to have complete silence that even the sound of the fan irritates me, or there are times also that I need natural sounds like people walking and talking. Sometimes I need to be with people who're studying before I can study, but most of the time I prefer to be on my own wandering around, finding a spot and getting to work. Sometimes I am most productive after Subuh, sometimes late at night or in the wee hours of the morning yet there are times it's just anytime of the day. As mentioned earlier, i can study on the train/bus, I can also study in the library, I can study in the canteen, at a foodcourt, at a cafe, at a fastfood restaurant, at the mosque, at a study corner, at a shelter, in my room, anywhere. Most of the time I study while lying down, but I can study sitting down as well. Whatever works...

I just don't study all the time, and yes, I guess I'd kinda given up on my As and honours... I give my best all the time though. I don't think I could have done better. I'd always been a B average student anyway (since poly that is... secondary was a C/D/E/F for me, while primary was a A/A*/distinction for me... I dunno what happened, but yeah, B... average...)

I don't like it though that people seem to look down on me as if I'm lazy or I don't give particular attention to my studies... Cause I am NOT lazy and I do pay attention to my studies. I pay attention in class as much as I can, I do my work and submit by the deadline, and I've improved rather tremendously in terms of reaching class on time (especially considering I live 2hrs away from school...)

It doesn't help that the system follows JC syllabus... And if JC students have studied the topics before, then I'm at a loss... There are lesser times that I get ahead of the class. I think there was only Microbiology and the beginning of Genetics and Organic Chem that I was at an advantage.... It's good for me that I'm learning new things, but it's bad that I feel like a mouse chasing after a cat... Playing catch-up is no fun... :(

Feeling sad about this now but I shall not regret the path I'd taken. Just need to cekalkan hati and ask Him for strength in facing this journey He has put me in...

There are moments that I catch the momentum and actually do work... Like Thursday, I finished half of my lab report already, and I only stopped because I'm stuck. Or today, I googled for one of my bio assignment... These are the moments when I have innate motivation and thrive. And there are moments when I just can't get anything done, and I accept that. I know I have limits and I only push them when I need to.

I think I'm not the only one feeling this way... Most average poly students that make it to uni face the same thing. The word is to describe is: "struggle"... I say 'most average poly students' because the above average ones are normally in tune with the JC kids (still.. not always, I know a few people who were above average in poly and struggling in uni now...). The average poly students either end up working, or really, the struggle to adapt in uni is as I have described.

I dunno what I'm rambling about. This is all crap. It's probably just my mindset. My mind IS in a jumble right now and petty things like this start to bother me, when at other times they are just a common itch on the skin that needs to be scratched away quickly. I'm gonna get back to work, if I can... Urgh, *frustrated*

Maze & Canvas

2010-10-16T05:57:00.003+08:00

It's 5.57am in the morning and my mind is pretty much in the same state that it was in last night. I keep finding that I am lost in a maze in the middle of nowhere finding for something which I'm not sure what and I have kinda lost track of where I am and which direction was I heading towards. Really, I think that's the best description I can give of my state right now. And if I were to describe the state of my mind right now, I guess the best would be: a plain white canvas draped across a heavily-graffitied big wall, which people had been flicking all kinds of colour paint on it and never bothering to explain to me why they do what had they just done leaving me to figure out what picture is being painted, even if it means taking a whole lot of imagination to link the dots of paint together.

I... dunno what to say. Maybe I need another plain white canvas to go over the wall again. *shrugs*

My very-much-repeated-phrase lately has been: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno!

I have no idea where did 2010 go to and what have I done these past 10 months.... I really do feel stagnant. Not that I hadn't been learning anything... I have, just that... I dunno.

I think right now I need someone to help me paint the big picture. The FULL big picture, and not just bits and pieces and asking me to figure it out. Though I doubt that'll happen. People have their own canvases to paint. It is really up to me to put a boundary around my canvas, get people to queue up and I need to personally supervise what kind of picture everyone will paint together. It is MY canvas.

I lost my compass. Anyone wanna lend me one? I wanna get out of this maze sooooooooon.

Purpose & Reason

2010-10-15T00:01:00.002+08:00

Such an irony to see the title of my blog: Journey of Purpose... The Purpose remains, but I have questions. Questions after questions that make my head hurt thinking about them as I get super frustrated with myself.

What is your reason to lead?
I dunno!

What do you deserve?
Nothing! Who am I to say I deserve anything?!

Upon lying on the grass and gazing at the starless night sky, I couldn't help crying as I conversed with Allah asking Him what is His purpose of sending me on earth. I thought of my family, I thought of my friends, I thought of everything I went through and I couldn't figure out who is it I should and deserve to be. I even went through His verses that I'm familiar with to find some guidance, and that night, I found none. I've never felt so lost and dismayed in my life. To lose your identity is to lose yourself.

And I don't think I've found the answer yet, though I have remembered what I had forgotten. The reason for being in NIE may not be clear to be, but somehow I just know that it is right where I need and should be. And this clears some of the air.

Ok I'm tired.

Who I Am by Zain Bikha

2010-10-14T00:18:00.001+08:00

Lyrics:
Social Expectation drowns us all inside
What you have should be what I want
Cos what I have just aint alright
The clothes I wear, the way I comb my hair
How I live, oh I dont care

This is who I am, this is me
Nothing, everything, cant you see
Who I am, just let me be
Cos like it or not but God loves me
Who I am

He said, she said, they all did
Whats expected of them all
To get to the top dont matter
If somebodys gotta fall
You gotta brace the storm, the norms to conform
Get what you wants gonna kill us all

Beyond the body that you see
Theres so much more to me
And I feel best when my soul is free

They tell me this is the way
that I need to reform
If I continue to stray,
Im gonna start up a storm
Wear this, drive that, like this, not that
Dont dare lose track or youll fall way back
But if my Lord loves me then
I know that Im free
You can say what you want just let me be
I know if Im real and its not a disguise
Youll love who I am if you open up your eyes
I insist that you see, I aint a mystery
Its who I wish to be, this is me
Its whats true within, come and look again
Looking through the skin
Who I Am

I am here and I always will be...

2010-10-13T21:13:00.003+08:00

I am here,
and I always will be,
till there comes a time,
when I know for sure,
that thee will not be here for me.

Only then,
shall I take my leave,
with tears in my eyes,
and a scar seared deep
in a heart that has always been patient
waiting,
wondering,
if it would ever find its pair in thee.

I cannot know what the future holds,
so my heart shall stay patient
and wait for what may not be.

But yes,
for now,
I am here,
and I always will be.

So random. But I'm in kind of an artistic mode. School's enough to feed my intellectual mode, so I need an avenue to sharpen the other side of me.

Wali Band

2010-10-12T01:21:00.001+08:00

Hmph

2010-10-08T08:23:00.003+08:00

Hmph, I was just in such a jolly mood. Hate it when people spoil my mood so early in the morning over such a trivial matter like EATING. Spoil my day. Abe gakkan nak melawan kan, kurang ajar pulak, but so unfair, sebab orang lain I get the blame too... Like ???????? Selalu gitu seh, so sad. This comes with being the only girl, kaulah racun, kaulah penawar, kaulah segala-galanya.

I just feel like putting this - Shamina mina!

2010-10-08T07:51:00.002+08:00

I shall be driving again today :) Abit excited, abit nervous, abit "aiyar, just do it". I shall strive till I get a license this time round insyaAllah. It's about time... I dunno, I just feel like 21 is an age to get up and grow up. I never had the confidence that I will pass driving before this just as I had no confidence of being a facilitator or mentor. But at 21, I find myself saying that if I don't have confidence now, I never will.

I still don't have the confidence of leading a group of people my age or older towards the betterment of society though. Still hiding in my shell and telling myself that people will look down on my capabilities and there's no point in leading people whom I would have to spend time earning trust. I need to show what I'm capable of first (though I've yet to move towards it, since I don't know if that path is what I want to pursue in).

Haha, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Amina on the train a few days ago. She kept being surprised at what I'm capable of. And when I asked her what was her first impression of me the first time I stepped into the room for the first meeting with the advisors, commandant, deputy commandant (herself), coordinator and co-ccoordinator, she said that she thought that I look like an English teacher and is in the welfare role (HAHA). I as the head programmer was 5th in command and I guess I showed that I'm a follower rather than a leader back then. But the way Amina is surprised is like funny! She was so surprised at how the creativity and ideas flowed in programmes team (though that was largely due to a very wonderful team which included Luthfi the ideas generator). She was so surprised to know I was in silat and so can't imagine me doing it (actually I don't see myself doing it either, I was just trying new things heheh and I learned cool stuff indeed and I think I did lose some weight :D). She was shocked to see me carrying the thick Invertebrate Biology book around and can't see me as a Science-y person (well, if she means to say I don't look like a nerd, thank God, but really, I love and am passionate about Biology especially Molecular Biology stuff!). And she was super impressed when I solved all 3 (easy, medium AND hard) codes on mastermind in 7 steps or less! Hahahaha I may not show that I have IQ, but gosh, have I been showing like I'm such a dumb bimbo? Hmm, a point to ponder on ehhh.

Ok, I'm 2hrs away from driving. Whee? I should go get ready now, wouldn't want to be late.

Because of driving, I'm like super broke. Never in my life have I had less than $450-500 in my bank account and today it stands at $9 plus 0_o

Journey of Purpose

2010-10-07T10:59:00.004+08:00

Come on Marliyana, you can do it. Get up and move it! You have faced worst situations before, right? This is nothing. This is just another obstacle in the way in making you a better person, a better Muslim. Isn't that what you always strive for time and again? This isn't the first time you fall. You've fallen and you've managed to rise up again. Almost immediately sometimes. Always making things better at the end of it. Always giving your best anyways. Is whatever you're doing right now the best you can offer? If you see this as a failure, making you tumble and fumble around on the ground finding for something you grasp on, then why continue to fumble? Place your hands firmly on the ground and push yourself up, rise up, face the challenge, it's not too late, this is just nice for you to do something and make things right. You wanna be able to facilitate better right? This is an opportunity for you to improve. Go for it. Go all out and give your best as you have always done.

I see some sense in what you're saying dear mind. Thank you for giving this piece of heart a piece of your mind. I, your heart is not fully convinced, but indeed there is some truth in what you say dear mind. We need to work closely. I'm not fully convinced with all that you have to say but I shall try.

Don't try dear heart, don't just try. Give. Do. Be the best that you can.

Oh dear mind, it's much easier said than done. It's much easier said that done... Help me think of something and then we talk again.

Alright, I will think of something and I'll bother you again later dear heart. In the meantime, I ask you of one thing. Please revisit your intentions and correct it if it hadn't been on the right track, ok dear heart?

I shall try.

Don't just try. Do it. You have to. For both our well-being. Remember, you have a purpose to be where you are. Carry out the divine purpose that you feel you are here for.

And you shall carry out the divine purpose that you think you are here for too ok?

Ok, that's a deal.

Right, it's a deal then. Hear from you again later.

Pieces

2010-10-06T23:36:00.002+08:00

To be honest, I'm seriously at a loss of what to do or say. I'm thinking! or at least I'm trying to... My brain's half dead. Tutorial, essay, lab report, revision, family, friends all giving me a big headache. yet I can't find it in me to cry and let go and relieve the tensions. I'd find small joys that brighten up moments and then I'd find myself in the deep abyss again.

I feel senseless, unable to know what am I doing, where am I going and what should I do next, and I really don't like this feeling. It makes me feel lost and helpless and clueless. My defense mechanism of late has been to numb myself and let things pass by me as if I'm a lifeless form. Ignorance is bliss... To a certain extent... When you discover the damage that you had caused through that ignorance, you shatter into pieces with the damage, and thus, before you can repair the damage (if it can ever be repaired) you have to find ways to piece yourself back together first.

I'm trying to pick up the scattered pieces of me, and while doing so, I'm wondering how to piece everything up together to make me whole again. And on top of that, I'm wondering how to repair the damage too. It has come to a stage that I have to repair it, I can't keep going on pretending that the damage doesn't exist. But HOWWWWWW???

I'm so tired. Been sleeping late, waking up in the middle of the night, taking short naps following that and pushing myself through each day as I worked towards completing my essay and lab report. Urgh, I need to better manage my time.

Should I rest on it for the night?

Alhamdulillah

2010-10-05T23:17:00.002+08:00

Bila jiwa terasa kosong, hidup bagaikan hilang segala ertinya. Makanya hendaklah jiwa itu diisi dengan zikir kepada Allah, supaya ketenangan dapat terasa...

Di keheningan malam tanpa teman mendampingi diri,
Saat ketenangan dicari dan didamba sang hati,
Terasa diriku bagaikan dinyahut dan diseru,
Untuk menjadi tetamu, khas di rumahMu.

Kebelakangan ini hati terasa begitu resah,
Diselimuti pelbagai macam masalah.
Tapi dini hari sebagai tetamuMu,
Telah aku luahkan segala isi hatiku itu.

Walaupun masalah tetap masalah,
Namun pelbagai nikmat berlimpah-ruah.
Lalu hanya satu kalimah membasahi lidah,
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

:)))))

Young @ Heart

2010-10-01T10:26:00.000+08:00

I have Maher Zain's songs blaring on my new speaker while I wait for Kak Liza. We're going to JB! Wawa will be there but I dunno how to layan kids la. The last time round we threw a ball around in the car and she had so much fun, and I was wondering what's so fun about that. But since she likes it, I continued. Fact is, i think I'd forgotten that there's always a child in everyone and I miss that child. Well, today's childrens' day, happy childrens' day dear child, let's have fun today!

I want to travel!

2010-09-30T22:18:00.002+08:00

One day, when I get married, I'm gonna travel, and perhaps only then I shall get to see the flora and fauna all over the world on top of hills and mountains (if ever I find myself fit enough to climb them) till the bottom of the sea (if ever I learn how to dive). Watching video only is not exciting enough!

Hopefully after AAB201 I would be able to describe the plants I see and referring to a guide I'd know what type are they, and after AAB202 I would be able to describe the animals I see and identify what phylum are they from. Only last year did I learn that corals are classified in the animal kingdom :D

Still Upset

2010-09-30T00:00:00.002+08:00

Guess where I am? I''m at Raudah's hall again! On Liyana's bed cos she went home.

I was supposed to sleepover at Faizah's hall together with Amina & Ati, but partly I feel guilty of leaving Raudah in the lurch in a sense, partly oso because my toiletries are at Raudah's hall and partly well, there are other reasons.

I was supposed to drop at Raudah's hall busstop just now, and I did press the bell, and I was standing at the back door to alight, but these two people from the busstop suddenly appeared on the stairs and like caused me to take a step back uh, and to think the door closed when they'd alighted?? I was standing at the door! I made a jump to press the bell and to my dismay it was spoilt. Waddeheck eh. I'm so angry with those two inconsiderate people. Didn't even help me stop the driver from moving off, neither did they say sorry when clearly they had blocked my way, HMPH. I dunno why, I had been shouting/projecting my voice as emcee during the appreciation and suddenly I couldn't shout. I could have shouted at those two to be more considerate and let me off first, and at the driver to reopen the backdoor, but urgh! Nothing beats being angry/disappointed with yourself.

So poor me had to walk back to Hall 6...

I dunno why, I just feel so moody. So alone. Just so upset.

I think because I know I should be doing work yet I'm not doing. Maybe because I feel rather left behind by my friends. Perhaps my energy just drained out trying to juggle my commitments which have crazily been overlapping of late, which is super frustrating as I have to CHOOSE.

:( I wanna sleep. Let's hope I can get the tutorial and part of my lab report done tmr morning when I meet Harizah & Mahmudah...

In flame

2010-09-28T20:30:00.003+08:00

It's so painful that I'm crying. I dunno what happened exactly, but the base of my right toe is hurting very very much. It's rather red, the pain is excrutiatingly familiar to tendonitis, the area feels warm and I think it's swollen as I cant seem to fit my feet in my shoe. I think it's an inflammation... I'm considering eating some Diclofenac sodium painkillers.

Felt the pain when I woke up, but still endurable. At least I was able to fold my toe while tasyahud. In bio, I started rubbing it to ease the pain, putting pressure on it. By the time it was Zohor/Asar, I was limping and I can no longer fold my toes. As of awhile ago, I can feel my blood pushing through and it hurtttttttttts.

I suspect that it was a mosquito bite. I remember being bitten on Saturday. But wow, such a reaction... Considering my swollen lips episode, I guess I'm allergic to some insect bites or something like that.

I'm already in such a PMS mood these days, the pain is just making things worst. Worst, I think some of my friends are PMSing as well... This spells disaster.

Urgh, my mum keeps shouting for me to eat. So not helping the situation.

Upset

2010-09-28T00:34:00.004+08:00

I need an avenue to let out!

So upset, suddenly so many things bombarding... at one shot tonight :(

I hate last minute work, but the irony is that I always find myself in such a situation...

I guess I need a break? Preparation for AED presentation, planning for the appreciation, studying for madrasah exams, the endless jalan raya has been abit taxing on me as I find myself pushing myself to go on and on with lack of rest, physically and mentally...

Not to mention my sudden block on what had been a clear path. I dunno if I'd stay in teaching after my bond...

I still feel like approaching a lecturer and asking for a research project to handle, but at the rate I'm going, I'd die if I do that, even if that is one of the things I really wanna do right now. I miss doing lab work (for lifesciences)...

:(((( Just upset. Hope after the presentation tmr and appreciation on Wed night, I'd feel more relieved. Then I can focus on my essays, lab reports and revisions...

And perhaps I can find time to realign my thoughts and paths ahead of me...

The future brings 1001 (err, more?) mysteries... Dwelling on the future can make you go crazeeeeee.

Fb is not safe.

I feel like others don't understand my situation right now. I lost my contacts, so really, it's a challenge for me to contact others... And I have set my priorities, I'm standing by it but everyone else feels that they deserve to be the priority. That's unfair...

Perhaps, they forget. Perhaps I'm just being too selfish...

Blergh

2010-09-26T02:51:00.004+08:00

I'm not crying, I'm just in tears haha. Literally. So sleeeeeeeeeepy. Exam tmr. Before that my FOC mates coming over. Perhaps after that Fityan comm is coming over too. Before all these, I actually have to finish slides for my group project due, which I can't seem to figure out which to put in!!!

As I was reading Brida by Paulo Coelho (one of the 3 books I bought recently, whee~! I wanted to buy more, but Harizah stopped me. For once! She say because it's books. There's another 2 books I wanted to buy, and even another one that I'm looking for but can't seem to find it in the bookstore...) I feel that I'm soooo much like her. Trying to find out something (err no, I'm not looking for magic FYI) and to do so, I need to learn. And I can't seem to finish what I start because I can never decide on one path to truly follow (I'm still having second thoughts about becoming a teacher, I truly miss research work/lab work. When I hear stories from Ad and Liyana, my heart just aches and I feel that I'm not doing what I really wanna do, though at the same time, I don't know if even research work is what I wanna do, I pretty much screwed up my Major Project because for that whole 5 months there, eventhough I know what am I doing and what am I finding for, I still couldn't figure out the big picture much.) The book is captivating, as I can really put myself in her shoes...

Oh I've got a temporary phone while my Samsung phone is being repaired. *Sniff sniff* I lost all my contacts AGAIN. The only numbers I remember are my family's, one of my aunts, Ad, Liyana and Harizah. Wow, smart right, never save contacts in SIM card...

Phew it's over

2010-09-25T12:06:00.003+08:00

I had a really busy and hectic week, phew glad it's over. I'd been pretty unproductive, simply can't get myself to do anything. Perhaps too tired, perhaps there's just too many things to do at once and I dunno which to start wit first, perhaps the environment at home is not very condusive...

I ended Chem lecture quite early and sat in LT with Yuan Ling to wait for Sarah and Shuhui, it was a nice environment to sit in, read and e-mail my thoughts to my group members. That was the most productive I felt this week. Can't wait to get (my madrasah exams tmr) and this project out of the way. Then Chem lab report and the two essays and then I can truly revise. Let's hope there's no other assignments coming in soon.

Accident #2

2010-09-23T22:45:00.004+08:00

I got into an accident again today. Alhamdulillah not a scratch as I was safely in the car. To think I didn't have the seatbelt on! Luckily the car was slowing down... But still the impact was scary, I was shaking right after the accident as the sound and images flash through my mind and I'm reminded of my old accident. As we stood waiting for the drivers to settle the necessary admin stuff, I was reminded of the FOC accident video *shivers* Life is so fragile. That could have been my last breath. And I'm reminded also of something someone said... You are still alive because you have yet to fulfill the reason of your very creation and existence. Perhaps *shrugs* Wallahu'alam.

It's such an irony... I was on the way to Abg Wan's majlis nikah actually...

Indeed, ajal dan jodoh di tangan Tuhan....

Anyway, barakallahu lakuma wa barakah alaykuma wa jamaa bainakuma fi khair...

And to Bro Hidayat too... I only found out there were two brides and grooms today... Saw Ust Hassan!! I miss pesantren... His daughter is sooooooo cute!

Ok bac to workkkk, so sleepy and tired...

School reopens

2010-09-14T23:52:00.002+08:00

Finally, I have finished watching Ketika Cinta Bertasbih. I find part 1 rather redundant, but part 2... Ya Allah... Memang emotional roller coaster... Kalau dah jodoh tu takkan ke mana, insyaAllah :D The film didn't make me cry like Ayat-ayat Cinta did but I find the messages delivered in KCB meaningful. Bila Anna's father tell Azzam about the expectation of an Al-Azhar graduate, macam terasa gitu... Of course, I'm not an Al-Azhar graduate, not even near pon... But just macam tersentak at the respeonsibility of someone who calls him/herself a 'graduate'. And the true meaning of learning... Haiz, I'm a bad student... Trying to improve myself... Hard... Very hard indeed... I still fall asleep in class, play games, check sms, check e-mail, check fb, go MSN etc if the class is boring. Otherwise there'll be weird shapes appearing on my notes... If that happens, it means--> I'M SUPER DUPER EXTREMELY BORED.

Hmm, since I'm here, let me give a glimpse of the first few days of school and hari raya which I'd been wanting to blog about. (besok skola start lambat so boleh tido lambat hehe!)

School started last week, the last week of Ramadhan. It is pretty tiring.... i truly enjoy Plant Diversity, not because of the subject but because of the lecturer who views the concept of learning differently. He doesn't give us any slides, not much of a problem, I have no qualms taking down the important points he say and show. The pace that he's taking is abit fast but still manageable. I just like his personality and his deep passion for what he's teaching. He is preparing us not to sit for exams and pass with flying colours, but he is really teaching us about plants, facilitating our interest in plants... I'm not that gaga over plants as he is (I pretty much dislike having to learn about plants, what more it's diversity and ecology and whatnots) but his passion kinda rubs on me :))) I'm starting to get fascinated by plants. ;)

Animal biodiversity interests me more. It IS interesting. It just makes you go, "SubhanAllah!" when you learn. The world is sooooo diverse and there is nothing that is created without purpose even to the tiniest organism there is. No matter how simple or how complex an organism is, it has been equipped with the necessary appendages to function properly.

I especially love the bio videos, very visual... It brings you across time and space! (At least, the videos that my lecturers choose to show us does) I feel like in a different world when they show the underwater lifeforms... NICE! And I love the experiments they do to prove their theories, just brilliant seh. How they come up with the theories themselves is already brilliant! What goes through their mind eh?!

Some may argue that the theories that these biologists/scientists (whatever you call them) come up with are against Islamic teachings, but yea these are just theories based on facts observed. That is Science, all about observation and deriving certain conclusions from the observations... I mean, I would hold on strongly to what Islam teaches me, and at the same time I wanna know what are the theories being theorized out there... I wonder if there have been Muslims who comes up with some theories based on the Quran and Sunnah and then test these theories with experiments. I'm sure there are! Just that I have yet to hear of them. I wanna research on this... Very curious.

Oh, as I have complained on fb, there is this lecturer who's teaching us for the first time who scolded me and a friend infront of the whole class for entering the class 5 minutes late. What happened was that it was actually a 3-hr lecture and after 1 hr by the other lecturer, there was a break where this lecturer had not arrived. I got wind that she had posted notes the night before and so myself along with a couple of others took the opportunity to rush to the library and quickly print out the notes. The fact is that I checked the portal on the previous day's afternoon and there wasn't any new notes! My friend said that she posted it up late, about 10pm at night. The lecture started at 11.30am but I didn't know there were nots since I'd just checked the afternoon before! Well, the library building is very far from the extra secluded lab at blk 7A, so obviously it took some time to get there, log into the computer, download the doc and print! What I couldn't accept is that I was scolded (interrogated is more like it... "Why are you late?" "Do you know that you have missed 5 mins of my lecture?" "Where were you from?" "How come you didn't print earlier?" "How come you didn't check the portal?") right blatantly infront of the class. I understand that she wants to instill proper discipline right from the start and warn the class, but I just find it unreasonable that I was attacked like that! She didn't even apologise for putting up the notes late!! She just said that she'd the head of department or something like that and thus she's very busy such that she can only finish deleting out the backgrounds of the slides, save as pdf and upload to the portal the night before the lecture. If she expects me to understand that, then do understand that most students don't check the portal 24/7 and some students may not have printers at home and some students stay far that they need to have early rest the day before and it takes time to journey to school to print in the morning... Spoiled my mood for the rest of her lecture (as well as the second one this week) and she has totally destroyed my first impression of her. It will take forever to change, and in the meantime I find it hard to accept anything that she's saying, especially since she spends half the time talking about pedagogy (which shouldn't be a problem if I had a better impression of her). My impression is heavily tainted that I find fault in everything she does and says eventhough I know that what she is teaching is ilmu and what she is saying may be correct! Haiz...

Chemistry is boring as usual. So physics. I took chemistry expecting more well... chemistry! But half of what I'm learning is physics and i simply suck at it. I have to put in extra effort (double the brain juices) to understand what's going on and to pass my exams. I used to fail my physics and when I got B3 for my O levels I was glad to think that it'd be the last time I see so many rocket science equations and formula. So so so feel like crying when I find that chemistry in NIE is half physics. But I couldn't have taken anything else. English sounds fine, I love languages but... I can't think of TEACHING English in Sec sch later on. I'd rather teach Chemistry. And so here I am enduring and trying to survive Chem/Physics... I miss the focused-learning in TP on Bio/Chem...

Oh one of the Chem lecturers' a Muslim. I'm impressed... You rarely see a Muslim lecturer other than those Malay lecturers teaching Malay language... But really, he needs to apply better pedagogical skills...

I have project due 2 weeks from now, and 2 9900 word essays due within these 4-5 weeks. so far that's all. Wait till the lab reports come in etc...

Today I just feel extra stressed, I dunno.

Haiz, let's leave the raya stories to another time...

Oh, I got a shock of my life when I entered NIE last week, the green grass are gone! It's brown everywhere! (and the cream colour of the building just adds to the dullness. And there were gates inside!! But this week they'd been planting and they've removed all the gates, thank God.

Oh I bunk in with raudah on one of the days last week :P I miss my hall, but I'm having second third fourth fifth thoughts of staying in a hostel again...

APEL Values Reflection

2010-09-13T18:40:00.002+08:00

I'd been wanting to blog away about my first week of Yr 2 Sem 2 in NIE as well as the first few days of Eid, bu unfortunately, I really have alot of things on my hands right now, and I have yet to revise my 1st week's notes!!!

Anyway, as I was cleaning my room, I came across a reflective essay that I did for APEL and so i'm gonna document it here. Maybe I'd documented it before, but aiyar too lazy to check lar :P

I believed I entered Temasek Polytechnic in 2006 as a failure. I did not do well for my GCE 'O' levels and cried for days upon receiving my results in February that year. Even after I'd entered TP as a freshman, I still cried in my heart. All my friends were in JC, except those who CHOSE to be in poly. Me? I had no choice but to go poly. My whole life before that was tuned to sitting for O levels, then going to JC, then going to uni and so on and so forth. Even when I did not get to go to JC for three-months course before 'O' level results were out, I asked my friends for their JC notes and studied to 'prepare' myself for when I would enter JC after results are out.

So when my results did not allow me to go to JC, I had to change my life plans drastically. All the effort I had put in to go to JC seemed pointless as my dreams were shattered. It was hard to get back on my feet, especially when my parents looked so disappointed in my failure to go JC. The first thing I had to do after receiving my results was to choose a course in a poly, which back then I find challenging as I hardly have any idea about the courses the different poly have to offer. When I look back at it now though, I can confidently say, 'I have no regrets in my choice.' Temasek Poly is the best poly for me and Applied Science - Biotechnology is just perfect for me. And it's not that I didn't have a choice. I could have chosen to go astray but I chose to go poly and give my best anyway.

Since April 2006, things started to look a little brighter. At the very least, I managed my studies pretty well alongside other activities I am involved in. When I received my first semester's results with a GPA of 3.86, I was reminded of what a friend told me when she comforted me for not being able to go JC. She said, 'Perhaps, poly is where you can shine.'

After all these while, I do feel that I did shine in my poly years. Maybe not so much of a 'wow', but at least I am proud of where I am and what I had done. It's true that everything happens for a reason. My being in poly too has its own reasons, which I slowly uncover month after month.

Being in poly, I am able to focus solely on Science, a subject I was truly fascinated with since primary school. I did not have to divide my attention to 'unnecessary' compulsory subjects like English, Malay, Social Studies and Literature, which I neither had interest nor do well in. I am really happy to be in Biotechnology where my hunger for the knowledge in the Sciences is slowly satisfied. Though, as a saying goes, “The more you learn, the less you know”, there is really so much more about Science!

Being in poly too allowed me more freedom in managing my time. Unlike secondary school where there would definitely be homework every single day, poly provided me with more free time, which I put to good use. Apart from participating in the malay drama club in TP (Malay Arts Group - Titisan Temasek), I also helped out at a nearby mosque and once in a while I got together with friends in TP to organise events for ourselves and people who know us. I was satisfied with how I managed my time, being able to do well in my studies while contributing to the school as well as the community. At the same time, I was able to develop values like compassion, cooperation, perseverance, initiative and more.

Problems arised when on top of all that I had, I decided to work. My parents were strongly against the idea, fearing for my well-being and my performance in my studies, but I went against them anyway with the reason that I would like to experience the working world early so I would not get a shock when I enter the working world.

That was a decision I regret till now. A mistake I did that I could not forgive myself. I wasted my time, money and effort in something with so little returns. I felt really selfish and was really uncomfortable with the job. Besides, my studies were also affected. When I realized what I had done, I could not quit. Due to peer pressure, I was afraid to quit. Idid not want to be labeled as someone who easily gives up. I felt trapped with no choice. When I saw how I did for my term tests though, I know I had to do something. I had to quit no matter what happens. I know my priority is my studies and it is time I prove it.

I did not rely on my family or friends for support for fear they would tell me, “I told you so” and so I had to muster the courage on my own. I finally quitted in July 2007, four months after I joined the company, and focused on my studies again. I am glad I made that decision to stand for what I believe is right, just in time to be able to pull my grades up a little. I received the worst results that semester, but at least I passed all my subjects.

Since then on, even though I still contribute to my CCA and at the mosque, I had learnt that no matter what, my schoolwork deserves my topmost priority. There were times when it gets pretty challenging juggling three things at once, but with proper time management and a persevering and resilient spirit, I believe anything is possible!

All in all, I know I have not wasted my youth away.

Day 12 of Ramadhan

2010-08-24T06:49:00.003+08:00

I think I shall leave a trace this morning...

Haiz, I was happy over the weekends, see ABIT of development in myself and suddenly on Sunday evening I started getting all disappointed with myself back. :( So sad, when will I ever change, urgh! What will ever cause me to change??? Is Ramadhan not a strong enough reason??? Is death of a close one not a strong enough reason???

This Ramadhan Ust Jamal shared with us a few opportunities that we MUST NOT fail to seize, and they are:
1. The opportunity to seek taubatan nasuha (based on the hadith that Rasulullah saw mengaminkan doa Jibril, penghulu sekian malaikat, di mimbar)
2. The opportunity to be closer to the Al-Qur'an Al-Karim (syahru Ramadhan syahru Qur'an!)
3. The opportunity to manage time better
4. The opportunity to increase in good deeds
because failing to seize these opportunities amounts to getting the displeasure (wai in Arabic or celakalah in Malay) of Allah...

Sounds harsh huh, perhaps it is, but Ust Jamal was sharing this with a bunch of leaders, a bunch of pejuang agama, a bunch of da'ie ila Allah insyaAllah. Who are we to say we are leaders/pejuang agama/da'ie if we are so full of sins at the end of this month, or our hearts are not tied down with His words, or our time management is haphazard, or our deeds are just minimal?

Today marks the 12th of Ramadhan... 8 more days before we reach the last 10 days, 18 days till we meet the end of such a blessed month.

Andai ini merupakan Ramadhan terakhirku...

Anyway, my grandaunt passed away yesterday morning. Not really that close to her, only see her once a year or so. She's been sick for the past 18 years? For as long as I can remember, I only see her on a walking stick, half paralysed, walking very very slowly with the help of the maid. And for just as long as I can remember, each time we meet she would look at my face into my eyes for a long time, and when I salam her she would hold me close and each time she would leave me with some advice. Just as my other grandaunt, I remember them for their advices. Eventhough I can hardly remember what the exact advices are, common ones: study hard, don't go around looking for relationships, take good care of yourselves; I value them...

Yesterday I saw my grandaunt's face, so pale, so serene, so still. My granduncle was the first to tabur pacai (err...?) around her head, and looking at them, I just feel so sebak. I feel for him. He's been taking good care of her and now she goes, to return to Allah... I see my aunts and uncles and cousins continue to tabur pacai and I feel for them. What if it's my own mother there? Or my own grandmother? How it feels to see their pale face one last time and never to see it again afterwards except in pictures, videos and memory... Never able to talk to them again... Never to kiss them again... Never to see their smile again...

People leave us... No matter how close we are, how much we love and care for them, one day they WILL no doubt leave us... (Or we leave them first we don't know either) It's about how much we treasure having them around, being able to talk to them and seeing them smile... And it's about remembering that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is kekal in this world. There is only ONE who is kekal. And it's about remembering what are we here on this earth for again... All of us have a predetermined limited time given to us, all of us WILL go someday. The question is, what will be our state that we leave the world in, and will our deeds be enough when it's time to go?

Day 4 Ramadhan

2010-08-14T01:44:00.003+08:00

Ok I'm procrastinating....

Today, I am in the worst state of health than I have been in many months. Woke up for sahur with a sore throat and soon after, runny nose start to develop. Not to mention chunks of phlegm stuck in my throat, plus a twisted thigh (how in the world did that happen???) and also pain in the knee and on the shoulder-arm when I woke up in the late afternoon. Yes, that's right, late afternoon... I was knocked out this morning after my routine. All the way till Asar. Whilst yesterday I was knocked out soon after zikir after Subuh... SO tired. I think I have yet to adjust my timing.... And I should really work something out soon to prepare myself for when school starts. Staying awake till 2am in the morning everyday is just not the way to go...

And I just seem to have so much air in my body.... As in, in Malay terms: banyak angin uhh... Scientifically I dunno what it is though hehe

I'm excited to start Year 2. I really really hope to be more disciplined. Hope is not enough though, need more than that definitely...

Anyway, how's Ramadhan over the past few days? Well, bad to worst. I lost that spirit of Ramadhan well after the first day, argh! Noooooooo....

It's true, if you're not used to doing something before Ramadhan, don't expect to do it easily when you enter Ramadhan just because it is Ramadhan. You need to train yourself, and it should start before Ramadhan...

Well, but better to start in Ramadhan than never at all! It's hard though. Cause I'm not used to certain things, I forget that I 'want' to do them in the first place. We all need friendly reminders...

Just like lighting a fire to light up the night. You want the fire to carry on burning throughout the night to give you light and to fend off unwanted animals. It may take a few tries to get the technique right. I want to make sure that the fire I'm lighting doesn't die off in the middle of the night, I want it to last even through the whole of the next day till the next night arrives.

The thing is, there's only ONE Ramadhan compared to 11 other months! It's like experiencing summer, a short night, but a very long day...

I would love to share what I brought back from the FMSA lecture just now, but I should get back to my work. It was due yesterday... I'm blogging just to get myself typing so I can type more freely for the report. Otherwise I can't seem to get started. Inertia... Haha, been a long time since I last heard that...

I plan to spend my fourth day of Ramadhan at home completing my unfinished tasks... We'll see how it goes ;)

Day 1 Ramadhan

2010-08-11T18:11:00.004+08:00

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, Allah has given me this wonderful opportunity to meet Ramadhan again :)

Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! I've been longing for you :)))

Actually, I was hesitant to start this post. I was hesitant, scared of people's judgement, scared of what people will say... Because people have judged (wrongly I must add) and people have said... I wrote an entry in a book yesterday, I felt so free to write anything and everything! But, it felt selfish... I want to share my thoughts and experiences... I just have to be more careful...

Putting that aside, aaahhh, it feels great to be in Ramadhan again. And this year, because of YOG (the only good thing about it in my opinion, after all the hassle it has caused) many if us have 3 weeks of free reign this Ramadhan, whee~!

Anyway, I helped out for awhile at Ghufran this afternoon, packing, carrying, counting the porridge to be given out. It feels good to be doing it again. The first year I was a volunteer at Ghufran, I helped with the packing, not knowing many people smile here smile there don't talk much. Today, 5-6 Ramadhan down the road here I am still! But with a slightly more responsibility. People trust you, and with trust comes responsibility :)

It was nice to see the Spingfield students helping out. I heard that some of them ASKED their teacher to be part of it. Hmm, many might be negative and say, "Alar, just because they want more CIP hours...." but let's give the the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they really want to join in the spirit of helping during Ramadhan :))

This year I felt a renewed purpose for being there packing. As my fingers get red and hot (and sticky) from handling the hot porridge with my bare fingers, I pray that these very fingers would be my witness in the hereafter that eventhough I did not contribute in monetary form, I contributed in terms of effort in making food for people to break fast with (it'am) :))) I was very excited about this fact that I so wanted to share with the Springfield students, but they were all boys, and I was kinda paiseh haha so in the end, I didn't.

Oh, Ramadhan teaches me to talk nicely. HAHA. Cause... other people are fasting too. People are tired and hungry and thirsty, and therefore, they are grumpy.... So you have to smile and talk nicely to them. As the powerpuff girls love to sing "Love love love love love, love love, makes the world go round" hahahaha. So yeah, no matter how bad is the day, smile, be nice and polite... It's a sadaqah anyway ;)

Some people can get pretty unreasonable, volunteer and jemaah alike. Probably they're tired... y'know... What matters is, as long as we are not one of the kind :)

That's pretty much my thoughts for today. Have about 30-45mins more to go before break fast....

I think I shall type out parts of what I wrote in my book yesterday...

Day 0 Ramadhan

Ramadhan... Ramadhan... I wonder how this Ramadhan would be.

Two years ago, I was having internship and my Ramadhan was spent doing my SIP and MP, and because I would usually finish my tasks late, I had to break fast at work or at a mosque near the workplace (TLL, NUS) Sometimes I had to miss my Terawih (I think) as I go in and out of the cold room with my project... Sometimes I would do my own Terawih at home. Or if I have the chance, I would rush to any mosque near there be it Masjid Haji MOhd Salleh (izzit??), Masjid Tentera DiRaja or Masjid Darussalam. Or even Masjid Darul Aman or Masjid Mydin if I was on the train home during break fast. Rarely do I get to go to Ghufran.

Last year too I didn't get to Terawih often at Ghufran because I was staying at hostel and I either have NTUMS Ramadhan meeting or silat at night... So i ended up doing my Terawih in my room on my own, if I had the strength... Or if I could, I encouraged my friends to join the NTUMS Terawih prayers at South Spine.

Ramadhan means alot to me. I so-called 'turned over a new leaf' in Ramadhan in 2006. Or at least it was the point I was introduced to Ghufran's activities, volunteering etc. I started doing many new things that year, including Terawih (if I'm not mistaken) and it was the start of my journey in becoming a better Muslim, and a better person in general. And I want to make sure that every Ramadhan will me become better and better.

I have many goals this Ramadhan. Mainly is to keep what I did last Ramadhan and to UP those where possible. Yeah... And Ghufran dakwah department has prepared a list of ibadah goals that tops my list, yet what's the point of doing them if my heart isn't there. This Ramadhan is a training for my whole self inside and out....

I wonder how this Ramadhan will be for my family. Last year, it wasn't really pleasant, in my opinion. I have many prayers and wishes, mostly concerning my family... May this Ramadhan be better, much much better for my family. I shall keep praying and not lose hope.

Anyway, I had been watching Imam Muda on youtube for the past few days and awww... I'm so kagum of these young men. Haha. Like... woah.... Respect... I pray that, may my jodoh be a true imam (in all aspects) not only for my future family, but also for the community :) Heheh

Oh! It's Maghrib already! May this Ramadhan be a blessed one for me!

Ramadhan is here! Ramadhan is here! Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan! Alhamdulillah, all praise be to Allah for giving me this opportunity to meet Ramadhan once again.

Tubna ila Allah. Wa raja'na ila Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah. Wa nadimna ya Allah...

I want to make good use of my Ramadhan. Be well into the spirit of Ramadhan and may I come out of Ramadhan victorious (a better person) or I syahid in it. Either way would be lovely.

I'm currently at Ghufran. Aaaah home sweet home. No matter what people say about this blue mosque, it'll always have a special place in my heart. Ghufran means alot to me.

Darul Ghufran... The meaning of the name itself is already so beautiful. House of forgiveness... May in this house, this Ramadhan, I would be able to do good deeds and be cleansed of my sins.

There's so many people at Ghufran!! While some people find that it is noisy and uncomfortable etc with having so many people, I'm different, I like to see so many people in the House of Allah. It's just so heartwarming...

I received a message from my mum and Fatimah earlier on. It reads:
Salam everyone. My name is SYAABAN. I;m advising you that my neighbour RAMADHAN will be visiting you soon with his wofe REZEKI and two children SAHUR and IFTAAR. They will be accompanied by three grandchildren RAHMAT, BARAKAH and TAUBAT. They will leave after thirty days by EID airlines. Treasure them and you will be blessed. Ramadhan mubarak. May this coming Ramadhan bring lots of NUR in our life. Amin.

Mixed emotions

2010-07-18T00:52:00.004+08:00

Aww, mixed emotions...

K, I'm feeling frustrated cos I can't enter pac@gov to claim for my netbook!

And yes, I just got myself a HP mini this morning, and I'm so happy! I don't really know about brands (to me this HP school laptop I'm using just works fine with me but some people say bad things about it...) My China phone worked just as well, if not better, than my current Samsung Jet anyway.

I'm gonna take good care of it. It'll be my companion to and fro school from this coming sem onwards... It's small and light, whee!

Argh, I still haven't finish my tugasan, oh God...

Haiz, I was just thinking back... A number of my friends, and even my mum, would turn to me to ask about religious issues e.g. zakat, dyeing hair, dating etc and sometimes even when I'm not too sure about the dalil of certain issues etc, they'd ask for my personal take/principles on the issue... Yet I just feel that my knowledge is insufficient! Sometimes I just can't answer! (and yet sometimes I forget that I CAN honestly say 'I don't know') I mean, yeah, sometimes these issues arise at untimely hours when my mind would just go blank, eventhough at the back of my mind I know I've read about it before or heard about it being debated in class before etc and I just feel that "Hey Marl, you're a DPI student, you SHOULD know this at the back of your hand!" but yea, I guess my adab towards knowledge is still very insufficient.

And truthfully, sometimes I just get turned off too when the discussion gets too religious. I dunno... I just feel that I'm not there yet, and I can't bring myself to get involved y'know. You just feel uncomfortable and lost.

I admit, I am not a good Muslim (yet, insyaAllah) no matter what my outlook is. I have failed when I come face to face with certain challenges. Failed to nafs, failed the whispers of syaitan... Even those who may not LOOK as religious, some of them, really, I'm sure it is possible that they have a wider knowledge about Islam and that they are more consistent at practising Islam. I have my flaws... And sometimes I just want everything perfect, even in myself...

I dunno... Some may say, "hey, we're uhmans, we're not perfect" yet I cannot be sure if that is the right mindset, especially since WE are Allah's creation...

Ok, I'm rambling.

I'm very tired actually. So sleepy. Still frustrated.

Oh oh, I just felt super frustrated when I was reading the Berita Harian article about bubur Ramadhan at mosques. I dunno if I'm being judgemental towards the writer, but I feel that he's being judgemental of mosques uh... I mean, I dunno what experiences he could have had to say that alot of mosques in Singapore are mainly giving out bubur because of tradition....

What else did I wanna say eh? Alar takpelah...

All in all, today I think as much as I smiled alot, I frowned alot too. Aaaaah stress! Sumer panggil Marli Marli Marli during props making in school just now, boleh tercabut jantung.

Oh I just remembered what I wanted to say, terkejut sey dapat bill hp! *gulps*

Cranky

2010-07-13T19:40:00.004+08:00

I just wanna scream and cry!!! I'm so tired, and I'm just observing classes, not even teaching (which includes having to mark and all). All the worse, it's only Tuesday :(

I'm super cranky and I don't like it. Everything seems to be wrong, the whole world seems to be against me (eeeee such a teenager-ish cliche). Urgh!

I miss the environment in Poi Ching. It was really welcoming... And the primary school kids, awwww... But I wanna teach Bio (and Chem)... I think... Though I can teach primary English, Maths, Science... Dilemma!~ This has been bugging me since last week!

And on top of that, FOC preparations are ongoing and I dunno... I'm getting sick and tired of it... As in, I need a break until I'm ready to take it up again, but then.... AS IF CAN.

My madrasah tugasan has been overdued by weeks and I seem to progress like a sick snail when it comes to it.

My room is like what. My family... aiyah...

I just feel bitter about everything right now.

Stupid Berita Harian, never put date for the expo electronics sale, penat2 orang pergi sekali find out Friday baru start.

Then my mum is asking for my old (but precious! and private!) laptop to give to my brother. Sayang seh... Widescreen, don't think I'd ever get to buy one again... And gosh all my docs inside, kena reformat everything seh.

No hall. No rental of rooms. Meaning, daily travel to and fro Tampines. I'm gonna be so tired like how I am now!!!

Ade manusia yang orang message taknak jawab, ade pulak manusia lain orang taknak dengar asyik masuk je message...

:(:(:(:(

I can hear voices telling me Sabar Marl (and all the dalil2 about sabar coming out) but hey, I'm just hear to let it all out ok...

Let's go Johor!

2010-07-11T01:35:00.002+08:00

Finally, I was able to collect my passport this morning. Yay.

In the afternoon (after settling some FOC matters), off I went to JB with my parents and 2nd bro. I think I'm very chatty today, despite the ulcer and itch bump on my lip haha. Too wound up I think, so need to wind down heh.

The jam was rather bad, stuck at causeway for about an hour and a half? Afterwhich we made our way to Jusco. Performed our Asar, and I realise that I don't like Jusco. It feels too much like Vivo, like Sg. Nothing different, yet I was lost in the sea of people... Don't like. So after grabbing some snacks, off we go to Angsana, aaaah.... a familiar place.

Oh we got kinda lost. Enter this highway, exit into another highway, enter another highway, exit into highway. It seems like there's highway everywhere! And the signs are ridiculously confusing. It seems that you're heading to Johor AND Kuala Lumpur at the same time wherever you go. Err, yikes? So we just went around and tried our best to identify the common landmarks and finally we reached (punyerlah excited biler nampak UO sign then the Angsana sign, then the familiar bowling pin at the top haha)

My parents were bickering like almost all the way haha. Cute, but frustrating at the same time arhs.

I enjoyed myself at Angsana, and I don't feel satisfied... I wanna go there again. I only found 2 things that I was looking for. It was so frustrating that all the right kind of shoes that I was looking for are out of stock for my size! And since we reached quite late, around Maghrib, minus time for rayers and dinner and grocery shopping, we only had a short time to shop. :(

Along the way, I was reminded suddenly of Aku & Dia 2 Camp (I was blabbering nonsense half the time in the car) and I think I should post about my experience here. Next time perhaps. It's time to.... sleep!

Weird encounter

2010-07-04T20:31:00.003+08:00

I is very happy cause I is got me notebooks back! Haha, cheap thrills.... :P

But yeah, I love my notebooks very very much. Hey, great scientists become great because they record down their thoughts...

Apart from that, I'm feeling the iman wheel turning, up up up! Had been feeling low the past few days/weeks, and really really in need of spiritual boosters. Hmm... I need to attend a spiritual session soon. With some good company :)

Today is Kak Rufi's special day. I was unable to go as I was rushing an assignment and then I had to go for class, boo hoo. I wanted to see her looking like a radiant princess!! Looks like I'll just get to see it in pictures. More importantly, my dua is with the newly weds, may Allah bless their marriage, barakAllahu lakuma wa barakah alaykuma wa jama'a baynakuma fi khair :)))))

Oh, I was reminded of a weird encounter with this lady last Thusrday... I was wasting time at Raffles mrt cos I knew I was early and Husni wouldn't reach Bugis from Kembangan so soon. And I didn't wanna stand and loiter around with my laptop in my hands at Bugis... So I sat at a bench facing the glass doors behind which the mrt passes.

As I was just sitting down and stoning (I can't remember what was I doing), a lady sat beside me on my left. Middle-aged. Malay, Muslim, but not wearing tudung. I was watching her from the reflection in the glass. I can't see her whole face as she was blocked by a pillar but I could sense that she had her head turned towards me. I tilted my head abit to the right and true enough, her head was faced towards me. Suddenly she coughed, and so I turned to look at her.

Lady: Ingat taknak toleh tadi... (I thought you weren't about to turn)
I just smiled. What was I supposed to say??

Lady: Besar butterfly awak. Tak terbang? (What a big butterfly you have, doesn't it fly away?)
She was referring to my butterfly brooch. I looked at it and just smiled at her and looked back at the glass.

Then she started a very weird conversation with me...

Lady: Awak tau baca Surah Al-Kafiruun?

Me: Tau.

Lady: Awak tau bila baca Surah Al-Kafiruun?

Me: Err... Bila-bila masa? (In my mind I only remember that it is encouraged to read Surah Al-Kafiruun 7 or 11 times in the first rakaat of Solat Hajat but I doubt she was referring to that... so i didn't say.)

Lady: Bila-bila masa?

Me: Apa maksud cik dengan 'bila'?

Lady: Jadi awak tak baca Surah Al-Kafiruun hari-hari la ni?

Me: Err... tak hari-hari lah.

There was a short pause. In her hands, I saw her taking out two pieces of photocopied papers with Arabic words on it. I can't read what Surah is it or what. But it is probably Ayat Kursi or something. She continued questioning me.

Lady: Awak baca sikit Surah Al-Kafiruun...

Me: Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... Qul ya ayyuhal kafiruun...

Lady: Oh tau baca rupanya. Ingat tak tau...

At that point in time, I just found the conversation super weird and ridiculous. I was wondering if she was trying to test me, or to ridicule me, or trying to sihir me or whatttt...

Lady: Awak dari madrasah eh?

Me: Tak.

Lady: Dari uni?

Me: Dari NIE.

Lady: NIE?

Me: National Institute of Education.

Lady: Oh untuk jadi guru.

Me: Aah.

Lady: Guru madrasah eh?

Me: Tak.

Lady: Bahasa Melayu?

Me: Tak, saya ambil Biology dan Chemistry.

Lady: Oh chemistry...

The train then arrives. I could take it with her if I wanted to, but thought better of it. So when she signalled towards the incoming train,

Me: Oh saya tak naik, saya tunggu kawan.

Lady: Kawan rambut panjang ke rambut pendek?

Me: *jitters* Tak tau, kawan saya pakai tudung.

Firstly, just because I was wearing jubah, I either school at a madrasah or I teach at a madrasah??

Secondly, she was freaking me out. Her body language was rather sinister, as if making fun and ridiculing me. Macam sindir gitu. And eventhough her hair was short, I had the creeps, macam nenek kebayan la orang ni... hish.

Ever since that encounter, I'd been wondering what was that all about... So weird.

Living on my own?

2010-07-03T23:08:00.003+08:00

The results are out, I didn't get to stay in hostel... Neither did Rahmah and Kak Zubaidah (and alot of my FOC friends).

Rahmah called me a few days ago to say that her mum found them a place for rent at Pioneer. $350 a room. I don't mind having the floor if anyone wanna share the room with me so $175 per person. It'd be so much easier than going to and fro Tampines & Pioneer! But I dunno eh....

I enjoyed the privacy and independence of hall life. If I can't get a hall, a rented place with cousins and friends sounds good... Hmmm....

Argh, Rahmah just called me again to say the house has been rented away... need to look for another one... Looks like I'd have to squat with Raudah and Liyana... I don't mind doing the laundry!

My mum turns 55

2010-07-03T21:40:00.003+08:00

On June 30th, it was my mum's 55th birthday. I had asked her out. I had planned to make her happy all day. Unfortunately, I came home late the day before and so I was really tired in the morning and slept back after Subuh prayers. At 11 plus, my mum appeared at my doorway scolding, why wasn't I awake yet and why didn't I answer the phone?? I only gave her a smile, as that's the best I could afford. In my heart, I was scolding myself too, "You wanted to make her happy!!"

I quickly jumped out of my bed to get ready to go out. On the table, I saw a cake. My mum bought it for herself. I was angry that I wasn't the one buying it for her. The night before, near midnight, I just came back, and I gave her a simple birthday present, a big box of Toblerone chocolate (along with memories of my childhood with her, though it wasn't written, neither was it spoken).

My mum said that she had been waiting at a doughnut shop all morning. She wanted to give them out to her friends. But since the doughnut took so long, she decided to buy a cake instead. It was a really pretty and yummy cake.

I wanted my mum to cut the cake infront of her friends, to make it look like a birthday party, to make her happy, but she said it herself, it would take too much time. Plus we'd want to leave some cake at home.

So it was a small party. Just my brother and I with our mum. We took pictures. We sang the birthday song and she cut the cake.

Fastforward...

We went to Metro at Paragon. She'd been wanting to find white shoes. And I wanted to make her happy. So we shopped. And then we went to look for my dad's birthday present skali. And we had lunch, my treat. It was great to see her happy.

We went to Asar at Al-Falah. This is epic.

I couldn't help it. All I wanted is to make her happy, that day, everyday. But sometimes it's just hard. That Asar, it suddenly struck me. My mum has turned 55. That's not young. Not at all. What if, that day was the last day for me to make her happy? What if, those pictures we took were the last pictures I'd have of us together? What if, that smile I gave her was the last smile I'd ever give her?

When I parted with her, she went to meet my grandma while I was going to school for IS, I just felt... I dunno...

Indeed I am scared of losing my mum. I felt it before. She went for hajj when I was in primary 4, and I cried and cried. I never want to feel that again, but I probably would. Unless, of course, if I were to go first...

I hope I'm enough of an anak solehah to have a place for her (and my dad) in jannah. She deserves it. For everything that she has done, that she has sacrificed...

6 Questions by Imam Al-Ghazali

2010-07-03T21:38:00.001+08:00

Once the great Imam Al-Ghazali posed 6 questions to his students as follows...

Al-Ghazali: Q1 - “What is very close to us in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as our parents, spouse, close friends, our children and etc.

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘death’ because Allah SWT has promised us that those who lives will definitely die” (refer Sura Ali Imran : 185)

Al-Ghazali: Q2 –" What is the furthest from us in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as the country of China, the moon, the sun and etc.

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘our past’ because in whatever the circumstances , whoever we are and whatever vehicle we use we cannot go back into the past. So we have to always take care of today and the coming days with righteous deeds that is taught by Islam”

Al-Ghazali: Q3 – “What is the biggest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as the mountain, the earth, the sun and etc..

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘temptation (Nafs)’. So we must always be cautious with our temptation so as not to allow it to drive us to hell (Jahannam)” Refer Sura Al A’raf 179)

Al-Ghazali: Q4 - “What is the heaviest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as iron, steel, the elephant and etc...

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘being trustworthy (Amanah)’ Al Ghazali explain “ The plants, trees, animals and the mountain could not accept the task of being the caliph of this world but human, with arrogance and conceit accepted the task and so much so many human beings are being thrown into hell (Jahannam) by Allah SWt because they have breached the trust others place on them. Refer Sura Al Ahzab 72)

Al-Ghazali: Q5 - “What is the lightest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as cotton, dust, the wind and etc...

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘neglecting the salat (daily prayer). Al Ghazali explain this is especially true as people are known to simply neglect the salat because they are having a business meeting , having to work etc

Al-Ghazali: Q6 - “What is the sharpest in this world?”

Students: The students gave all kind of answers such as the sword, knife and etc...

Al-Ghazali: “Yes, those answers are quite correct but the perfect answer is ‘human tongue’. Al Ghazali explains that with their tongues human arrogantly will offend and hurt the feeling of others.

Lethargy

2010-07-03T17:55:00.004+08:00

I had been wanting to blog for days, but my health had been stopping me from doing so. Been feeling very very lethargic lately, need to drink more water I think, and get more rest...

Let's see, had La Cosa Nostra mock camp last weekend. Then Monday was a short rest, Tues had prog meeting 10am-7pm, Wed had IS at night, Thurs had prog meeting again 9am-2pm.

It seems alot, not to mention the almost incessant messaging. It certainly is not easy being Head Programmer. Alhamdulillah for the wonderful team, everyone contributes and we move forward together. We are truly like a family. Ohana, nobody gets left behind.

There are two issues I wanna talk about with regards to this orientation.

Firstly, it seems that people may think that I am putting to my effort and time in this orientation, which to their eyes is just another event. For awhile I had the same in my mind too. Questions creep to me, "Why are you doing this? Isn't it a waste of time? What's the point of doing it?" etc and yeah I lost focus and purpose. But I had a talk with two people recently who helped me see that there is a reason I'm where I am. I DO have a purpose to fulfill, and as I think deeper about it, yes indeed, yes indeed. Do not judge me as a person who is involved in JUST another program. Do not judge me as a person who is wasting my time. Do not judge me as a person who do not prioritizes well.... The event is less than a month away. There are alot of things that still needs to be done. And I have a responsibility to carry out. To many, it may mean nothing. To me, it is a platform for me to uphold what is right and stop what isn't. It's just about a month more. Bear with my absence. I'll be back insyaAllah.... in the meantime, do not judge me.

Secondly, I can't remember what's the second issue oredi, so nevermind it.

Still feeling feverish. Been dreaming alot during my sleep. Dreamt of the past when I was young. Dreamt of things that happened not too long ago. Dreamt of things I wish would happen. Dreamt of things I fear. Dreamt of my thoughts. Dreamt of all kinds of things.

Haiz, I'm just not in the best state right now. Alot of things happening around me. Alot of thoughts going through my mind.

There's so many people around me, with so many different values and principles that they hold to. Some may even contradict mine.

Some of my friends have been making fun of me, saying that the only songs I listen to is nasyid. Imagine what would they say if I say that I'm trying not to listen to songs at all.

Some of my friends make fun of me, saying that the shirts I wear are too long and baggy. Imagine what would they say if I say I wish to wear a jubah everyday.

Some of my friends are making fun of me, saying that I am too picky when it comes to food. Imagine what would they say if I say I check the ingredients of all the food that comes my way and if there's a better alternative (with a halal sign) I would go for it, including toothpaste.

Some of my friends laugh at me when I talk about amanah of the community's money (zakat untuk fisabilillah) and such. But I'm just trying to let them know what they know not. It is my responsibility. I do not wish to bersubahat. At the very least, I have brought up my point. Whether they accept what I say, at least I can answer later that I tried. I just wish I am a better speaker, such that people can see my points more clearly. Many Islamic scholars are fluent speakers, it's not a wonder...

Sometimes I feel I'm such a hypocrite. I wish I am not. I do not wish to say what I do not do. Though sometimes you have to.

This world is full of so many different people, with many different features, many different personalities, many different values and principles. But there's only ONE truth...

Many a time people do not put importance to religion. Or rather, they do not see the importance.

I wish I can declare that no matter what happens, religion comes first, but I know I can't... Cause I too many a time forget this priority.

Okok, enough about this... I'm just... in need of a spiritual booster.

I just wish I am in a better state right now. Spiritually, and physically.

Paralysed

2010-06-29T02:35:00.002+08:00

Another sleep paralysis experience... Took quite a long while to break off the paralysis. Urgh.

Now I can't sleep.

La Cosa Nostra Mock Camp

2010-06-28T18:18:00.004+08:00

Wow, the camp was such an energy-seeper that I slept for about 13 hours and am still feeling super sleepy now. But had to go online to do edit abit of the proposal so Welfare can ask for more sponsors. The journey is still ongoing!

And... gosh why must my group be so fit?? Haha, imagine running from Jurong East swimming complex to the Pagoda at Chinese Garden and then climbing up the spiral staircase to the 7th storey and then running to Masjid Al-Mukminin! My legs are so wobbly now haha.

I was supposedly to go on a date with Husniyati today but I was too tired and wobbly so terpaksa postpone :( Sry Husni...

The mock camp went well, I guess. Alot of great feedbacks and suggestions. InsyaAllah by the time it's the actual camp, with the suggestions and other improvements in place, it'd be a great camp.

I've just got a big problem with public speaking. I talk too fast and the sequence of things I talk about is all over the place. Haiz, it was unfortunate that I had to talk quite alot during the camp.

Initially I was just the Head Programmer, then we needed facis and we figured out that the best 4 people are the Head SM and Head faci themselves plus 2 programmers who should know the programmes best and so for mock camp, I was one of the facis from programmes (since the other 2, 1 just came back from US and was sick so can't attend the games trial and the other stays in Johor for the holidays and had to miss quite a number of meetings and part of the games trial too).

Somehow or rather, I ended up being the emcee. It was temporary for Day 1, and that night we appointed another person as emcee, but when morning came, turned out that the emcee had something else and so I went up front again. Argh! I don't really have stage fright, from past experiences, but when I'm not prepared, I panic! And yeah amongst the crowd of facis and SMs that attended our Mock Camp as pax are our very own camp advisors plus the exco of NTUMS and Perbayu, past and present and probably future. Scary jugak ah...

Some parts I was just too tired, too tired even to eat. Day 0 I had a late lunch at around 5 and no dinner (cos I was very sleepy already). I only had a heavy lunch (which I didn't finish cos I found the smell too overwhelming) for Day 1 then ate only chicken for dinner. For Day 2 I think I only managed to down a few biscuits for the whole day. And Day 3 finally I ate some Nasi Lemak but couldn't finish it cos I really was about to vomit already, and when I reached home at night I only had energy to down egg and chicken. I really had no appetite (and time) to eat. Just feels like vomiting each time I look at rice. Dunno why. Never experienced this before seh.

Anyways I really miss my Fityan peeps *sniff sniff*. Everyone is so hyped up about Myspex and I hadn't gone even for one of the games. I was supposed to help out with the Netball day's programmes, but had to back out. I hadn't even take my jacket (the zip was spoiled when I went to take it last week). I wanna play Speedtag for Fityan on the closing ceremony day on 10th but I'm afraid it might clash with something for FOC... :(

Oh hi again

2010-06-22T12:00:00.002+08:00

*peeks in*

*cough cough*

Hish berabok nye tempat ni :)))

Dah lama benar tak blog... Sebab2nya, malas nak ceritakan...

Tapi kita ketepikan lah eh penyakit M ni dan cuba ceritakan dengan ringkas.

(Dah kenapa pulak berbahasa Melayu ni?? Entah, no particular reason. Ngah lapar kott jadinya gini?)

Ceritanya begini:

Firstly, I can hardly find the time to blog. I don't even know what am I busy with. It's the holidays! And the only thing I have on my to-do list is FOC (FOC is frustratingly NOT free of charge as SOME PEOPLE keep saying, but it stands for Freshmen Orientation Camp) preparations. Well... apart from needing to seriously clean my super berkeladak room (for lack of space to keep my books and notes!) and to finish up my Aqidah Tugasan AT LEAST. Yeah, I had been trying to prioritize, and unfortunately, blogging came low under the priority list.

(Eh dah berbahasa Inggeris balik laaaa hehe)

Secondly, I was facing a demon in me that is afraid of what people are saying. Argh, I know, why should you bother thinking about what people say about you?? But then again, what people say do reflect who you are doesn't it? And well, yea I guess I had been affected by what people have been saying, that I'm not prioritizing my time well, that I'm wasting my time with FOC, that I spend too much time outside than at home, that I'd been revealing too much about my private life (macamlah celebrity mana gitu..) etc etc. Some are true, yet... some are just words coming out the mouth of those who do not understand...

Thirdly, in relation to number 2, I was facing some inner conflicts, and I haven't truly solved them yet...

Fourthly, (fourthly????) also in relation to number 2, I was trying to put in more effort in keeping my 'private life' private by not blogging.

So, why am I here today blogging away?

Firstly, it's because I really really feel like blogging (and that counts ALOT).

Secondly, cause I am putting on the 'heck care' attitude.

Thirdly, I refuse to believe what people are telling me (and I plan to rebut through my blog, bluek). I indeed haven't been wasting my time. I AM doing something at every single minute of my time. Even resting is an essential part of my life. There is a renewed niat for doing FOC (honestly, I feel like cekik cekik batang leher orang yang cakap I'm wasting my time with it, cause they're underestimating me and assuming that I would do something without a proper niat, how dare you, how can it even cross your mind that I would ever waste a single minute of my life doing something pointless :P). And I trust myself that I know what can be put online and what can't, I certainly certainly know my limits. There are ALOT ALOT of secrets I don't reveal online, and whatever I post online, trust me, I have pondered the consequences of the action. And last but not least, I have managed to fold all of my clothes this morning, and I feel that I should reward myself by allowing myself to blog :)))

Actually, if I were to name my emotion right now, the best would probably be 'bitter', with a tinge of anger and sadness and disappointment. What a demoralising emotion right, I know...

And I'd been keeping this feeling in for quite some time that it hurts. And therefore I decide to blog again, at least to let out some of the less private ones. It is bad for thee health to keep everything in, baaaaaaad, especially since I'm not the kind of person that will talk to someone about something. Well, except Amirah. I miss you loads ex-roomieku!

Oh, and surprisingly a number of people have been asking me, "Asal tak blog lagi?" From people who're close like Fatimah and Kak Maryam to people who're far like sis Hida! Terkejut jugak ade orang visit sini lagi. Dan terharu... Dengan itu, saya dengan sukacitanya tertimbul kembali keinginan untuk blog lagi :D *kembang!*

Last but not least, I went through some of my old archives (and can't help thinking that wow, I sounded matured in my writings even at 17 eh... well at least matured to my definition la) and thought that I should continue to document the happenings and my thoughts and feelings. It is a nice thing to look back later on. This memory of mine is not working that well anymore. Without blogging, I would probably simply forget everything that happens...

Unfortunately I can't continue much longer... Sakit perut la beb!

Nur Ikhwan I'M Talk

2010-05-11T12:35:00.002+08:00

An inspirational and motivational camp open for everyone.
Take some time off from your worldly duties and reflect on our roles as muslims.
At the same time, have fun and make new friends.
On top of that, lots of prizes to be won and attractive freebies as well.
So register now! :)

Start time : 9am on 22nd May
End time : 12pm on 23rd May
Meeting location : Muhajirin Mosque
Things to bring : Will be given along with registration form
Sms bro Harith for guys, and sis Huda for girls

Bro Harith : 83684092
Sis Huda : 81130107

Hoping for a Miracle

2010-04-26T17:27:00.004+08:00

I didn't wanna say it out loud but it is a fact that keeps running through my mind. I could possibly fail that Organic Chem paper today and have to retake the module next year. :( That was how bad it was. Not really because the paper was hard, I didn't know, I can't tell, but it's because I didn't finish studying. The only marks that I am confident I'd get is 22/100, no kidding...

So, I'm feeling rather demoralised and down right now. Why must they put Organic Chem and Cell Structure & Function on the same day??? Everyone else felt relieved once the paper was over, because after today, there's only one more paper left for most of us. I on the other hand, feel such a big boulder in the middle of my chest that truly fears the outcome.

I finished the paper, with my own made-up reactions, reactants, reagents, conditions and products. The only thing that I can hope for is nothing less than a miracle.

I wouldn't feel so bad if Organic Chem isn't a subject that I'd taken before (and scored for) in poly, or if I had been struggling with it from the start, or it was a really really tough paper (since there'd be moderation)... The thing is, I know that deep down in my heart that I hadn't put in enough effort in this. So disappointed in myself...

Last paper on Wednesday. I don't know how it'll be like. It's another heavy module. So many topics to cover in whatever is left of the time from now to the start of exam. I'd had late-nights the past few days, not exactly feeling in the pink of health right now, and I still need to push on a bit more. No matter how demoralised I feel, let not that affect the last paper. I should end this semester on a high note...

I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I can't even seem to get tears, feeling too numb already...

Nervous

2010-04-21T07:19:00.003+08:00

Ya Allah, betapa tak tenteramnya hati ni. First paper in a few hours. Nak katakan, I have finished going through my notes and have tried some past year questions, but... sunguh gelisah sangat-sangat. Takut lupa, takut tersalah concept etc...

I know, dah usaha, dah ikhtiar, dah doa, time to tawakkal. And with these few hours left, I can still put in some more usaha and doa, but it is unnerving. I think it's because I realise that the way I explain my answers when practicing the past year paper yesterday is very incoherent.

DO’A KETIKA HENDAK BERSYARAH ATAU BERBAHAS

Rabbisy rahli sadri wa yassirli amri wahlul ‘uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qauli.
“Ya Allah! Lapangkanlah dadaku, mudahkanlah pekerjaanku (urusanku) dan
lancarkanlah lidahku agar mereka faham pembicaraanku.”

Mata ni mengantuk sungguh. Semalam hampir satu jam just toss and turn toss and turn, baca doa ni doa tu tak kelap lelap jugak mata. Nervous attack dia sampai susah nak bernafas. Akhir sekali, paksa jugak tidur, basahkan lidah dengan selawat, alhamdulillah lelap jugak akhirnya selepas dah hampir jam 2 pagi. Macam nak rehat semula ni, tapi tak tenang! Nak cuba buat soalan-soalan lagi, nak asahkan lagi answering skills.

Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati yang resah ini.

Some rantings during break

2010-04-19T21:57:00.003+08:00

I'm currently in NTU library, apparently taking a break from revision. Finished one topic yesterday and 2 topics this afternoon for Main Group Chem, and even had a sumptious *gasps!* lunch with Mir at JP and a pathetic yet super fulfilling (plus tonnes of MSG and oil) Mcspicy + shaker fries + double choc frappe for dinner :) I seriously need to save up after exams... (Though I'd most likely be going out alot to celebrate end of exams! Argh $$$$$)

Apart from exams, my mind has started to tune in to FOC stuff back, bit by bit. *stress* I wanna retire can? Excited yar, but the prospect of having to think of programmes for the next 3 months or so, every single day, is rather daunting... games, props, games trial, faci training, mock camp etc etc.

And no doubt, I'm wondering how my holidays would be spent. No overseas trip :( Once again, I have psycho-ed myself that, "No, you have no urgent purpose in going Australia, please save up that money for other urgent use"

I'm trying to stay as independent as possible. Try not to use my parent's money anymore. I strive to pay for my own poly fees (need to pay back my dad's CPF) and for my expenses in the 2 years when I won't get any pay. Quite tough. It's so tempting to want a new phone, or get myself a netbook, or book for a flight with a friend for a short getaway. But NO. Gotta be happy with the smaller stuffs, food and more food, a movie or two, a shoe or two, new shawls, new jubahs, new books... Those small small things. Yet, I feel that I shouldn't be spending on them. Rasulullah didn't bother about those stuffs! Well, erm.. yea...

I want to get a part time job in the holidays, preferably one which is related to teaching. Mir suggested taking Mendaki classes, starting with relief. I think that's a good idea. And I can still relief Teens @live classes once in awhile :))) I'm not sure if I wanna commit weekly. It may be ok during the holidays, but quite tough once school reopens...

I want to finish ALL the books that I have yet to read at home during the holidays. It mounts up to over 20 books! Ish. They've been collecting dust :(

Ok, speaking of reading, I should really get back to reading my notes... Getting a short nap first sounds very tempting too. My neck hurts

Kata-kata perangsang

2010-04-18T00:12:00.001+08:00

Indah kata-kata perangsang Ustazah Sakinah:

Dari Anas r.a, dia berkata bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w pernah berdoa:

اَللَّهُمَّ لاَ سَهْلَ إِلاَّ مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً ، وَ أَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً

Maksudnya: “Ya Allah tidak ada kemudahan selain apa yang Engkau jadikan mudah dan Engkau dapat menjadikan perkara sulit menjadi mudah jika Engkau kehendaki” (H.R Ibn ...Hibban dan sanadnya dihukum sahih bertepatan dengan syarat Muslim dalam kitab al-Silsilah al-Sahihah, No. 2886).

Untuk adik-adik dan pelajar-pelajar saya di UKM , saya hadiahkan kata-kata berikut agar terus berusaha mencapai kejayaan:

Kadangkala hidup ini seringkali terasa pahit
lantaran kita berasa kerdil di sisi manusia-manusia hebat.
Tapi sebenarnya kita lupa bahawa kita juga manusia seperti mereka.
Kita lupa kita mampu menjadi hebat. Kerana KITA MANUSIA!

Berjuang untuk menjadi yang terbaik adalah hak kita.

Selagi mana kita tidak lupa, hidup dan mati kerana Allah, selagi itu kita manusia HEBAT!

Inginkan SEMANGAT?

Ketahuilah, Semangat itu datang dalam diri yang hatinya memburu redha Tuhan =)

Salam perjuangan untuk mu.

Moga terus teguh berteman hati yang kukuh.

SELAMAT MENGHADAPI PEPERIKSAAN

Semoga Ustazah diberikan kesembuhan yang cepat...

:'(

2010-04-13T03:51:00.003+08:00

Cepatnya masa berlalu... I took 2-3hrs to actually start doing SOME WORK (which was VERY little) then I did my laundry, bathed, prayed, put out the laundry and here I am at 3.54am. :(

I should really go to sleep, or at least continue my research paper, but I just felt like typing something...

I sat for my Organic Chem test just now. I couldn't do so many questions, cause I didn't finish studying. I feel so disappointed in myself. I'd taken Organic Chem in poly before and if I'm not mistaken, I got an A or even a distinction! But this, I screwed up one of the 3 lab reports and the test (15%of overall) just now so I guess, there goes my 30%. How to get A!!!

I was too tired.... Yikes.

Nak kata I regretted becoming a faci for Finding Seacreo, not really. I guess I just didn't manage my time well, boo hoo... So disappointed in myself :'(((

It was another enriching experience being a faci for Finding Seacreo. This is my second time becoming a faci, and it was really different from the first one. The pax were younger than Radiate (except two), the group was mixed of which only 3 were girls, my faci partner is a guy (Faizal btw), I had TEN pax under our care, it was outdoors (about 8 hours with 2 races in it at Sentosa) and we as faci were also the game masters and safety officers. Stress I tell youuuu... I don't think I did a good job. I think I failed to carry out the amanah properly. I am glad that at least 5 of them enjoyed the camp, I guess the programmes were fun, alhamdulillah. I hope they learned at least ONE beneficial thing from the camp...

For the next two weeks, I have my Saturdays full, and I'm scared it would tire me out again. My first paper is on 21st, 8 more days only. 8 days to cover four subjects with 8-20 topics each *faints* I need to get the momentum back (the camp really broke my momentum) and be focused and disciplined with my revision. And I MUST finnish this ALS research paper by tmr night to send for draft safe assignment and peer review...

I am worried why I can't seem to get anything done at all... and time flies so so fast! I'm scared... I wanna do well this sem. I really do. I must pull up my GPA... :'(((

Just Average

2010-04-07T21:20:00.001+08:00

This made me smile, made me laugh, and even brought tears to my eyes....

There is nothing wrong with being average :)